Ain't it da truth.

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

I've seen that credited to a few different people, so who knows who actually said it. Whoever it was, they were pretty sharp.

--------------------

Last night we rented a uhaul to move Sunrise's stuff to his new place and to a storage unit. We got a late start, so it was cold and icy.
Doing it earlier wouldn't have mattered though; the tires on the uhaul still would have sucked and we still would have gotten stuck without any traction at the bottom of a steep culdesac and we still would have had to get the uhaul towed.
Yeah. That was fun.

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Today was the first day I would have normally been working. Instead, I spent all day packing (with a little break I probably shouldn't have taken to get a massage a friend owed me). I mainly focused on dishes today. They are almost all packed now, and I just need to figure out a good way to pack pots & pans. Or rather, something to pack them IN. We are woefully short on moving boxes. Sunrise picked up a few from the comic shop today, but he said the majority of what they had were too small for much of anything... :/
So tomorrow we try to get some free packing boxes/materials from craigslist. Meanwhile, HOLY CRAP TWO DAYS
Ahem. I meant to say... Meanwhile, we have to pick up the truck for Monday's move tomorrow because of the stupid holiday. Whose genius idea was it to move on New Year's Eve? Sunrise wanted me to wait until spring, but nooooo... Oh well. Stuck with it now.
It will all be ok.
Because it has to be.

--------------------

Also, just to top it off, packing has been covering my hands in dust which turns into grime and drives me crazy. So I've been washing my hands a bajillion times a day (seriously, I counted—bajillion). The thing about washing your hands so much is it sucks the moisture out of your skin like a frickin' Dementor for your hands. I have a rash all over the dorsal side of my hands and the anterior side of my wrists, extending up my forearms. I'm afraid to put lotion on at this point because I know it'll burn with the fiery, barbed tongue of a devilcat. Whine whine whine. Harden up, Martha.

Oh, irony of ironies.

We spent all of Boxing Day packing to move.

Bleh.

I hate this.

12 Easy Steps For A Great Christmas

1. Plug in lights on Christmas tree.
2. Open stockings.
3. Eat some sweets from stockings.
4. Open presents.
5. Immediately wear any gifted articles of clothing.
6. Eat more stocking sweets.
7. Nap.
8. Watch Christmas movies while eating more stocking sweets and drinking coffee, cocoa, or tea.
9. Nap again.
10. Christmas dinner of your choosing. (Chrispaghetti for us!)
11. Stay up late to prolong Christmas as long as possible.
12. Keep Christmas in your heart forever.

Chrishmash cheer

Christmas Eve! Yay!

Sunrise and I worked today. We also did a bit of packing, he took some stuff over to his new place, and I washed a couple sinkloads of dishes.

After all that, we sat down to actually have some Christmas Eve celebration-type thingies. (Which obviously included wine.)

We watched Christmas Eve on Sesame Street, and now we're watching Muppet Christmas Carol. The lights on the tree are lit, we're having Yule Log Cake, and the last door on the chocolate-filled advent calendar has been opened. Tomorrow is Christmas, and it will be lovely.

Well, no apocalypse.

...I'm not really surprised. I would have been really very upset if the world did end yesterday. This Christmas is extremely important to me and I wouldn't miss it for the world. Um, heh...
Also, NEXT TWO HOBBIT MOVIES HOLY CRAP. Can't miss those either.
And I haven't had enough ice cream! I haven't traveled the world enough! I need to finish writing at least one book!

So... thanks for being wrong, Mayans.
Oh, and thanks for spiced chocolate as well!

The cool thing about packing is...

... you find a bunch of cool stuff!
Post with pictures of said stuff coming soon. -ish.

PSA: Concerning Sunrise and I...

So, for anyone who somehow doesn't know yet, Sunrise and I will be parting ways at the end of the year.

People who have known for a while have asked us questions along the lines of, "How are you guys so friendly with each other right now?" It's simple. We still love each other. We can still have fun together. Of course it's not all cupcakes and flowers, but overall, it is a very amicable happening. We are going to stay close friends, and we would even want a relationship in the future if certain changes can happen and certain other changes don't happen.

We don't want our mutual friends feeling like they need to choose sides, or being awkward around us or trying not to mention one of us to the other.

Also, it needs to be said that both of us have had our faults and strengths in the relationship. So, no bashing or idolizing either of us. "You deserve better than her/him" and such are the kind of things we really don't want to hear.

Oh, and we really really don't want you to set us up with anyone new. Just don't.

So, with this transition coming up, just be normal and positive around us. We'll be ok. Just give us hugs if we need them.

This has been a public service announcement. Thank you.

Preparations

I've been pretty busy with getting ready to move. You'd think I'd have more done. Really gotta pick up some free craigslist moving boxes...

Also, people keep giving me wine as going-away gifts. I don't mind. ;)

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Christmas is almost here... I had to tell Sunrise that I have to be the one to check the mail today and tomorrow so he doesn't cheat and see where I got his presents from. Endless teasing ensued.

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Tattoo or not to tattoo? That is the question. For several months from now.

There are so many things I would like to spend money on, especially with this whole having my own apartment thing. I can do without some of them for a while, but eventually, I'd like to have:
a Dirt Devil
a coat stand
a rice cooker
a rolling pin
foamy hair curlers
TONS of pillows
a bearded dragon whom I will name Hagrid
...
And probably some other stuff I can't think of right now. I'll just refer to this list whenever I have saved enough for my trip to Denmark and I have some extra money again.

Monday (aka Thursday for me)

I think... I might be done with the Christmas gifts we'll be giving to family this year. That would be cool. Cross your fingers. Or, just slap my hand when I go to tinker with it more.

-----------------

Today I had a client who totally reminded me of the Oracle in the first Matrix movie. She is sweet and she kinda looked like the Oracle and her voice kinda sounded like the Oracle's and she spoke very clearly and carefully like the Oracle. I'm convinced.

She tips only in magic chocolate chip cookies.
It's awesome.

-----------------

I guess it's about time to think about New Year's resolutions... I never used to care much about them, but I've actually done really well with the one I made last year, so that gives me hope. I think for 2013 I will try to meditate every morning before I even get up. For an hour, maybe? We'll see.

Letters, part 1

Dear Brandi Carlile,
I was so excited to hear you were going to do a Christmas show at the Tower. I had been looking forward to it for months! I thought it would be happy and fun and there would be caroling singalongs! So why the hell did you make it so depressing?? Seriously, it was like you gathered a team of scientists specially picked to formulate a set list that was as depressing as possible—not in general, just for me. I understand that the holidays aren't always a happy time for everyone, but for those people that are sad for the holidays, being totally depressing isn't going to cheer them up! Also, chances are, those people won't come to a specifically Christmas show anyway! What the hell??
Your adoring fan,
Martha

Cross your fingers...

I did another follow-up call to a clinic I applied to... It's looking promising. :)

Peace and joy, indeed.

Holiday shoppers are out in droves today at the Cascade Village shopping center. It's a constant battle to not get run over or bumped into, and it's all a little insane.

In better holiday news, I found cloves! Now we can clove some oranges! :D

Oh hell.

I have really fallen off the wagon lately... double oops. At this point, I'm not going to promise daily posts anymore. I will try, but I really have to get cracking on packing.

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Today has been a day of indulgence. I think that's allowed, considering.

On a completely unrelated note (heh), how many things can I soak in liquor and/or light on fire before consuming?

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We decorated the Christmas tree the other day... Yes, one of those days that I didn't write a post on here...

This is the first real Christmas tree we've ever had. Once we used a tiny fake tree my mom got for my doll when I was a kid. It was nice, but you know... just not the same. I love the smell of a Christmas tree. We were hoping to get a Balsam Fir, but apparently nobody in town had any, so we went with a Noble Fir. It's a little shorter than me, and admittedly I was a little disappointed about that at first. I have grown to love it though. I think I was just comparing it to Christmases past, when the tree towered over me when I was a kid. I do prefer trees bigger than I am, but I can get the same effect by sitting by the tree instead of standing. And it does look lovely with the lights and beads and ornaments.

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The other day while cleaning up, I found a book that I don't even remember having. It is astonishingly fitting to this part of my journey though: How To See Yourself As You Really Are by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. "In How To See Yourself As You Really Are, [HHDL] shows readers how to recognize and dispel misguided notions of self and embrace the world from a more realistic—and loving—perspective. Step-by-step exercises help readers shatter their false assumptions and ideas and see the world as it actually exists." That is pretty much my main goal of life right now. I know this book will not fix everything for me, but hopefully it will make my journey faster and easier. I am so tired of my learned misconceptions of the world and myself causing me, and people I love, pain.

Wish me luck.

Oh cripes.

I haven't been writing. Oops.
But I've been busy!

We've been cleaning up to make room for a Christmas tree! We finished around 3am last night, oof.

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I think I'm definitely going to stop seeing my therapist. I can take it from here.

-------------------

I have a wicked headache. I don't remember what I was really going to write about today. Or yesterday. Or the day before that.

I'm getting boring.

Niceness.

Naps are nice. Unplanned naps are even nicer! (As long as they don't make you miss/late for important things you did have planned...)

You know what else is nice? Hot cocoa. And having a heat pack on my tummy.

Hmm. I now I want to curl up with a heat pack and a steaming mug of cocoa and maybe fall asleep.

Heaven on earth. Well... pretty close, anyway. :)

Just put me out of my misery and hire me already!

AAAAUUUUGH

I hate doing follow-up calls after sending my resume!

I think part of me is always afraid that they're going to say that my resume sucks and I suck and they don't know why anyone would want to hire somebody so sucky.

Anxiety much? XP


Also, I keep switching between feeling like this and being maybe overconfident. I think about all the clients who have said that I do the best massage ever, and I start thinking everyone should want to hire me.

The "happy medium" here is that I know once I get the hiring manager on the table (any clinic, spa, etc should do a "practical interview" as well; otherwise maybe you don't want to work there ;) ) I will blow them away. I know give good massage—relaxation OR treatment. It's just the process of convincing them that they want to give me a practical interview that I get anxious about.

Oops again

Crap, I'm getting bad at this. 40 minutes late.

God, I barely remember today.

We went to the soaking pool at McMenamins; that was awesome. Good way to end a busy day.

Also Doctor Who. Excellent wibbly-wobbly end to a busy day, and the reason I'm up late and forgot to blog until just now.

And how is your relationship with your parents?

I think I might stop going to my counselor.
It's been seeming like she focuses on the wrong things; today when I brought up what I feel I really need help with, she said that our relationship is too young to work on that stuff and she suggests I wait until I get to Portland and find help there. I don't know; we're supposed to start doing mindfulness exercises next time, so I'll give that a try, but if it's something I can do easily on my own I think I'll stop seeing her. I could be putting my money and time to better uses right now, I say.

Not the best day at work...

Oops, I forgot to post yesterday. Yesterday we watched Arthur Christmas, which was actually really fun and cute.

--------------------

As for today...

It's really bad when the smell of your client's feet is refreshing compared to the smell of the rest of him.
Speaking of which, as a general rule, don't do anything as the client that you wouldn't want me to do as the therapist. For instance: do you want me getting drunk or high before sticking my elbow four inches into your muscle tissue? No? Well, I don't want you drunk or high on my table so you are fully able to tell me if four inches is getting to be too much.

I love my job. I love that days like today are few and far between.

On a happier note...

I remembered something funny from the other day...

Sunrise and I had gone to dinner at Old Mill Brew Wërks, and we had ordered off-menu drinks (beer milkshakes and beer floats).
When we were given the bill, it was missing some items. We tried to correct them, but they said it was fine. So we tried to give a nice fat cash tip for that and for the trouble of making milkshakes and floats.
He handed us a $5 back and said we tipped too much.
We tried to give it back and he gave it to another guy on staff and told him to go put it under the windshield wiper of Sunrise's car.
We then decided to trick him into accepting it by hiding it under a napkin and leaving before he noticed. We had the corner sticking out a little so it wouldn't get missed and thrown away with the napkin.
We got up, said our thanks, and started walking out. Once we were out of sight we started to run to the car.
Sure enough, he'd sent the other guy out running after us with the $5. We grabbed the original $5 off the windshield, dove into the car and closed the doors. He tried to give it back to us and finally gave up and drive away giggling.

Personally, I think that was way more fun than "dine and dash". ;)

Reality checks and (un)balances

I ordered some rain boots online, seeing as I'm going to need them. I got them in grey. I think that's appropriate. Puddles, here I come.

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I feel weird today... like a sense of dread, but not really... Maybe it's just an overwhelming sense of reality.

------------------

I think I've decided on what to send family members for Christmas. Creative and relatively cheap. Go me.

My friends and I don't tend to exchange gifts... That's fine by me; I'd sooner have their company than more stuff.

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Yup. Reality. Oof. Can I go to bed now?

Common Courtesy

Please note the undercurrent of sarcasm in today's post. Thank you.

I wish clients would tell me a day in advance when they are going to "no show" at Massage Envy. Then I could plan for days like this, when I have two appointments that don't show up so I have a 3 1/2 hour break in the middle of my work day.

I could bring a book. I could take a tranquilizer and get some sleep. I could bring some costumes and play dress up. I could give my brain permission to go to my writing place for several hours and get more than a couple sentences done in a day for once. I could go drink sake and have time to sober up before working again.

Come on, clients. Gimme something.

Oh, hormones...

I'm usually not one to have PMS.
Yesterday, however, I was a weepy mess.

I realized this might be Sunrise's and my last Thanksgiving together as a couple, and that made me weepy.

There was an old woman at the McMenamins Thanksgiving buffet. Sunrise said he had to tell her what some of the items in the buffet were because her eyes weren't so good anymore. He also said she was talking to herself a bit. We were seated across the room from her and saw some people invite her to their table since she was sitting alone. She declined, and we could see her still muttering now and then. I said, "Maybe she's not talking to herself." And Sunrise said, "Maybe she's not sitting alone." I got all weepy again.

Later, at home, Sunrise and I were watching Santa Claus: The Movie. There's a scene in the beginning in which the man who would become Santa gets stuck in a blizzard with his wife and two reindeer. Guess what? That made me all weepy.

I can't wait until my hormones normalize again. XP

Thanksgiving

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Christmas season to bring you...

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving has never been all that important to me. As for all the pilgrim stuff, I'm fairly sure that none of my ancestors came to America that early. Then when I learned that the Pilgrims and the Native Americans weren't happy neighbors that had annual dinner parties (thank you, Howard Zinn), I really lost my taste for the traditional Thanksgiving story.

Thanksgiving was never a big thing at home when I was a kid, especially after my sister became a vegetarian. What that caused, though, was a wonderful tradition: my mom would make bean and cheese enchiladas. They were delicious! I told someone once that enchiladas were my family tradition for this holiday and they asked me—completely seriously—if I was Hispanic. I had to work very hard to stifle my laughter.

These days, I just appreciate the guaranteed day off and excuse to eat good food. Today Sunrise and I slept in. Then we went to McMenamins for their thanksgiving buffet, as is our tradition. We took a walk around downtown and shuffled through leaves and took pictures. Then we went down to the Old Mill and took more pictures. Then we decided to catch the matinee of Cloud Atlas. It was very good, although it took a little getting used to. Pretty much throughout the whole movie I had my hand over my mouth in suspense. It definitely didn't give me the Holiday Warm Fuzzies, but after the movie we took pictures by the giant Christmas tree at the Old Mill and that was nice. I love Christmas trees. But right! This is Thanksgiving! So yes, food food food.

Now for hot chocolate with marshmallows before we have to return to normal life.

I hope all of you (... all of my probably 3 readers XP ) had a nice day, whether celebrating the holiday or not. Feel free to share in the comments what you do for traditions. :)

More dreams

Last night I dreamed about cuddling with a cow.
There was a field full of cows, all lying down. The rancher was telling me which one was the nicest and encouraged me to go rest on her shoulder. I leaned against her and she was warm and bristly and her slow breathing was incredibly soothing.

I have always been afraid of cows... Maybe I'm not now?

Tasty tongue twister

Roger Federer fancies Ferrero Rocher
Roger Federer fancies Ferrero Rocher
Roger Federer fancies Ferrero Rocher


That's all you get for today. Good luck.

Down the rabbit hole...

It's ironic that I was just telling a client earlier today that, because I grew up in the valley, I miss the rain.
I suppose it's a little ironic because it started raining pretty much right after that and has yet to stop...
But it's really ironic because when I got off work and had to walk to the car in the rain, I was all whiny about it. :P
-------r---a---i---n-------
I was just thinking about that line in V For Vendetta, "God is in the rain." I was trying to imagine how somebody would feel that way. I guess in that context, from somebody held captive and tortured and such, feeling rain on your face would probably be pretty dang euphoric.
---------g---o---d---------
Then I thought about The DaVinci Code (because I just watched it) and how the Pagans "found God through sex". That one I can understand a bit more. There are all kinds of hormones and neurotransmitters released during sex, which I'm sure did (and still does for some people) feel like enlightenment, or a sense of connection to another realm, or what have you... Is that why it's sometimes referred to as "mind-blowing", I wonder?
Where else do people "find God"?
I feel like I find God a little in everything. I find God in music. I find God in good food. I find God in nature. I find God in a good healthy cry. I find God in beauty. I find God in dreams. I find God in animals. I find God in you. I find God in me.
---r--e--l--i--g--i--o--n---
I never felt like I found God in church. The fear of God, yes. God him/her/itself, no. It always seemed... off. Contrived, maybe? I loved church—the beautiful architecture and stained glass, the hymns, the rituals—but I didn't learn real spirituality there. What I was told to believe in church just never struck my heart as Truth. I went on a quest to find something I could fully believe in. I read various "holy books"—the Tao Te Ching, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Book of Mormon, and of course the Bible, which I was the most acquainted with. The funny thing was... they all basically said the same thing. The stories were different, sure, but the message was uniform. I decided to strip down my beliefs and labels and start over. I asked myself the huge questions: Do I have a soul? Is there really right and wrong? Is there a god or universal power? What happens when I die?
When I figured out what felt true to me, I tried to find where I fit. The only label that fit me was "Unitarian Universalist"... because all beliefs are welcome there.
Isn't that how it should be? I can't help that my heart didn't believe the Christian teachings; it couldn't. It just wasn't right for me. I recognize that it is right for some, though, so I never try to tell someone (of any belief) that they are wrong. I often think of it like a food allergy... I may love sushi, but if you're allergic to fish, you aren't going to love sushi no matter how delicious I think it is. And I should NOT shove it down your throat. I say, everyone finds God in their own way and we can all celebrate and share together.

These stream-of-consciousness musings brought to you by the letter: sleepy.
That's right.

P.S. Apparently there were bomb threats made simultaneously all over Oregon today. Huh.

Bad dream!

I had a dream last night that our apartment was infested with wolf spiders and they were maliciously trying to get us... They would hang out in the ceiling light covers and wait for us to walk under them so they could drop on us! We learned to look up and we could see their silhouette and try to get out of the way before they could get us... It was a constant battle against paranoia and an arachnid army.

Blech.

Fuuuuuuuuh

So... I had an appointment scheduled this morning. I walked to my office, which is a 20-30 minute walk. I got to the front door. I searched for my keys.
Then I searched some more.
Then I dumped out my entire purse.
Then I texted my client to let her know we'd have to reschedule because I couldn't get in the building. She said she'd come get me and take me home to get my keys.
She took me home and I ran upstairs and searched for my keys.
Then I searched some more.
Then I went back down to her car and told her we REALLY had to reschedule because I had NO idea where my keys were.

So that was fun.

Guess where my keys were?

I'd locked them inside my office.

Twenty-six and a half years of what?

I've always been a quiet person, at least when first getting to know someone. Usually, if I don't have something of worth to say, I just don't speak. (see picture at bottom of post)
I've also noticed over the last few years that I have grown so accustomed to people talking over or for me that I'm not good at speaking for myself when I do get the chance.

Today I was at dinner with two people who are both very dear to me.

They have both been places and done things.

It made me realize that I really haven't.

So I spent most of the dinner silent.
I must be a really boring person. :/

Great Closet Switchover

I finally tackled the Great Closet Switchover last night. So long, summer clothes! Hello sweaters and ugh—insulated pants...

I am also donating a big trash bag full of clothes. It feels good to get rid of stuff sometimes. I always want to keep stuff that I like, but for the last couple Switchovers I have implemented a policy: if I didn't wear it the last time it was out, I get rid of it instead of putting it out this time around. I get new clothing enough that I don't need to keep things that I got a decade ago.

Lost doggy!

Today on the walk to my office, I came across a border collie nestled in some bushes beside the sidewalk. As I got close, she began to trot away. I called out with a friendly tone, but she kept moving away from me. I knelt down and kept beckoning her. She eyed me suspiciously then continued walking in the opposite direction. I walked toward her some more and then knelt down again and patted my lap while calling to her. This time I guess she decided that I was ok, because she ran over to me and, after some sniffing, let me pet her. The poor thing was shivering and wasn't wearing a collar. I called Animal Control and waited with the doggy, playing fetch with a pine cone. She was so friendly and could jump so high! Animal Control showed up pretty quickly and the doggy looked like she wanted to run again. I started petting her vigorously to distract her while the AC guy got ready with a leash and collar. When he was ready, I threw the pine cone up again and when the doggy returned it to me I threw it over by the AC guy. She rushed over to him and was just as friendly as she'd been with me. He slipped the collar on her and she jumped into his truck.

I hope her family finds her soon and won't let her out unsupervised without a collar anymore.

Funny little things...

I have been all kinds of productive today! Just call me OnTheBall Martha. I made business phone calls, updated my schedule, and... I forget. Lots of stuff. That's pretty big, because I'm feeling all antisocial again and that makes me not want to do responsible adult stuff.

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Today on the bus, there was a slightly "off" vagrant... He reminded me of another slightly "off" vagrant that used to frequent the independent bookstore I worked at for a time in Seaside.
His name was Paul. He would come in and get hot coffee and try to sell us the watercolor paintings he made. He would sometimes talk to us, but more often he would talk to the voices in his head. One such time, he was muttering, "I just don't get it... I don't understand why... when you see a pretty woman... you can't just grab her. I don't get it..."
I decided to stay behind the counter until he left that day.

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Today at Massage Envy I had a client that I hadn't seen since last year. I guess the front desk staff told her that I was leaving, so she was asking me about it.
When I told her that I was getting divorced, she started asking me a bunch of questions about that. Finally she started asking questions that didn't apply and I had to tell her that we weren't legally married, although this is still a divorce because we are married in every way BUT legally.
When I told her that, she let out a huge sigh of relief and said, "Oh, well I feel MUCH better." And the questions stopped.

Well I'm glad YOU feel better about MY problems. :P

This just in!

So, remember how I said that reading and writing (for enjoyment) seemed to be helping more than the counseling?

Today my therapist said that I should keep writing, as it is "extremely therapeutic".

Go figure. ;)

So bully to this; I'm gonna work on my book now! I don't have anything interesting AND real to say here at the moment anyway. Might as well make up something interesting to say in my book. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Back on the wagon.

Two days without blogging. Oops.

I could blame it on my parents visiting, but that's probably not really it.

Anyway, I'm back on the wagon. Or, back in the saddle. Or something.

Losing it.

I can't believe I'm crying this much over a pub.

Somebody told me not long ago, "Remember, divorce is the death of a marriage, and you will grieve."
Tonight Sunrise and I went to Old Mill Brew Wërks, which has become "our place". Not long after arriving, I felt very depressed. Sunrise noticed, which made me start to cry. I tried to hide it, but the more he asked me what was wrong, the more I was unable to stop my tears.
Rudy's laugh—his awesomely genuine, goofy laugh—really did me in.
I'm not going to hear that anymore.
I'm not going to have someplace where everybody knows my name (cue "Cheers" theme song)—or if I get one eventually, they will know me alone. And that just feels sad.
Nobody is going to know what I like and make me special dishes and greet me warmly.
I am going to feel SO out of place.

Why am I doing this, again?

Oh, that's right, because I want to stop fucking things up.

Cheers to that.

RALPH SMASH

We went to see Wreck-It Ralph in 3D today. It was awesome, although another movie wasted on the kids of today. There was SO MUCH old video game stuff in there! w00t!

Once it's out on DVD, I have to watch it freeze-frame style to see what I missed in the theatre.

Also, I want to play Sugar Rush.

Also, and I know I say this every time I see a 3D movie and I will KEEP saying it every time, 3D is so freaking cool!!!
For anyone who may not know, I can't see in 3D in real life (can't see out of both eyes at the same time), but for some reason I can see it in the theatre. The first time I saw a 3D movie (Journey to the Center of the Earth), I cried. It was mind-blowing. So now, when a movie comes out in 3D, if I have any interest in it at all, I'm seeing that sucker in 3D.

Speaking of which, I bought IMAX 3D tickets today for The Hobbit!! FLAIL!!!!

Drunk on m&ms...

I finished reading that manuscript I was going over for a friend. It took much longer than I thought it would, but only because my counselor has been keeping me so busy with homework. It was an enjoyable read and I just have a few more notes to jot down... I love doing this stuff.

I'm starting to feel like reading and writing do more for my mental stability than the counseling does...

----------------

So I'm watching Broadway Melody of 1940...

Man kisses woman. Woman says, "Don't you EVER do that again!" Man says, "What, this?" and kisses her again.

GrumbleSigh.

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As I walked around today, I listened to Christmas polka. :)
Yes, you read that correctly.

Election blah blah

So! Tonight we find out just how crazy the USofA is...
So that's fun.

In other news, I get to hang out with friends tonight, w00t!

In other other news, I hate telling clients that I'm leaving. :(
I did have a funny reaction from one of today's clients though; I'd just handed him the post-massage cup of water and when I told him, he lifted it as if to toast and said nonchalantly, "Good for you. Bad for me." And that was that. I didn't know whether I should be relieved or disappointed. :P

Hasty post

Crap, almost midnight! Um, um...

I wrote yesterday and it felt good.
I had a couple drinks tonight and THAT felt good.
I am going to nom crazy amounts of peanut butter m&ms and that WILL feel good.
Then I will pass out and that will feel really REALLY good.

Where's the fire?

Today at work the fire alarm went off! That's nice and relaxing during a massage, right?

No fire trucks came, which was kinda disheartening since the fire station is literally right across the street. The alarm somehow got turned off and we went back to business as usual.

---------------

In other news, I got two new sweaters today! I guess it's time for the Great Closet Switchover to see if I need any MORE sweaters for winter...

---------------

I got an idea for a costume today.
I really REALLY REALLY want to make it happen. And take pictures. In black and white. With a white background.

*drool*

Christmas Wishes

I want to see twinkles and sparkles and snowflakes.

I want to smell fir trees and clove and peppermint.

I want to hear Nat and Ella and Bing.

I want to taste hot cocoa and Danish butter cookies and akvavit.

I want to feel crushed velvet and filbert nutshells and warm fuzzy blankets.


To me, the Christmas Experience feels like falling in love. When I see beautiful Christmas decorations or hear my favorite carols, I am instantly euphoric—so much so that I usually begin to cry.

I wish it wasn't so commercialized and I wish it was religion-neutral* and I wish it wasn't such a sad time for so many people.

The strange thing is... I don't know why I've always loved Christmas so much. To me, it's never been about the presents (of course, I don't refuse them if they are offered, but that goes for any time of year ;) ) and it's certainly never been about Baby Jesus and it's never really been about Santa Claus either (although I do have a soft spot for Santa Mouse).

One of my favorite Christmastime memories is of sneaking over to the tree when everyone else was asleep, turning on the twinkle-lights, finding my favorite ornament (it was shimmery light blue and had the words "O Come All Ye Faithful" on it), and looking at it while softly singing carols in the glow of the blinking, colored lights.


What part(s) of Christmas do you love?
Or, if you don't like Christmas, what makes YOU feel this happy?



*Yes, I realize it is named after Jesus Christ and that there are other, older names for it; Christmas is just the name I'm used to and it would feel weird to call it anything but.

Rock the Vote! part 3

I got a notice in the mail saying that because my signature on my ballot didn't match the one on my voter's registration card, my vote was invalid unless I re-registered.

So I re-registered. I guess it's nice to know they really ARE paying attention.

SCREAM

Yesterday I started out Halloween with an appointment at my private practice; afterward my friend Hachiko picked me up and helped me run some errands. She took me home and we worked on costumes and such for a while. Then she and Sunrise and I went to McMenamins theatre to see ParaNorman; it was cute. :)
We then had a late lunch at Noi (the new Thai place downtown), which was fantastic!
After lunch we went home to finalize costumes and apply makeup (just Hachiko and me, obviously :) )

Last night was the screaming contest, which was the Halloween event I was most excited about this year.

We showed up at Silver Moon around 7:45, I think. There wasn't much going on. Sunrise and I had beers and Hachi didn't end up having anything! The opening band for the Moon Mountain Ramblers was a bit grating, so we ended up leaving and going to McMenamins for hot cocktails and pumpkin brûlée. We went back to Silver Moon around 10:15 or so, and after a few songs from the MMR (who were much more enjoyable than the openers AND they did their own version of MJ's Thriller!! ) the screaming contest started. We were told to shoot for "terrifying and LOUD". The audience was told to judge us by screaming back for the screamer they liked the best.
As the first few screamers did their thing, I was thinking, "Oh, I've got this in the bag!" They were all doing "woohoo"s, like you would at a rock show or something. They were more like cheers than screams. I let mine rip, and it was pretty damn terrifying and loud. I was too short to use the microphone that everyone else was using, even. Hachiko said that the people around her all looked blown away. Which is why they forgot to scream back. All the screamers after me were, again, cheering rather than really screaming. When the band announced the winners, I was shocked and disappointed when they didn't call my name for 1st place... or 2nd... or 3rd!?
It really wasn't fair.
I put SO MUCH into that scream. Before I screamed, I thought about when I was raped.
I screamed so hard that I peed myself.* (Luckily the black pants I was wearing were made of a fabric that you can't tell when it's wet!!)
When the screaming contest was over, we left. Leaving Silver Moon, a car passed us on the street and let out a "woohoo". I responded with another REAL scream; I was frustrated and angry and sad. I just wanted to keep screaming. Anyway, someone else who was leaving Silver Moon was about half a block ahead of us and he turned around and said, "Will you stop being murdered?"
And there was my proof.
I'm the only one that really screamed, and I guess people were just freaked out by the sincerity of it.
Fuck 'em.

I should have won.


*I warned you that sometimes this blog would contain TMI!

Halloween thrills

So I was walking down the street and some guy jumped out of a tree right in front of me! I screamed. It was awesome. It made me happy.

PS I am drunk right now.

Disney Buys Star Wars: Best Of

Stay tuned for updates as the madness/hilarity unfolds...

http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/4-reasons-you-should-be-thrilled-disney-bought-star-wars

big long LOVE post

I've been thinking quite a bit about love over the last few years... and especially lately.

Fair warning: this may seem a bit jumbled.

There are so many different kinds of love... And is any one kind better than another? Deeper, sure. But better?

I have loved some of my friends more deeply than I have loved some of my boyfriends.

I have loved multiple people the same way, I have loved some people the way I should have loved other people, and there are people that I have loved in ways that I could never love anyone else.

I also have noticed that I very rarely stop loving someone. With the exception of my first boyfriend and this mistake from a few years back that makes me shudder, I still have feelings for everyone I've ever loved.
For instance, somewhere inside me is the first grader who was so smitten with Devon that she secretly kissed the top of his head through his baseball cap in the middle of storytime. There is also the middle schooler who wrote poetry about Kyle's eyes. There is the high schooler who got heart flutters and couldn't keep from grinning every time Justin made that face.
Of course these things don't translate to present day; Today-Me has no feelings for Today-Devon or -Kyle or -Justin—I can't say I even know them anymore. The feelings are still there, though—and they are still very real.

When I was 18, someone asked me if I thought it was possible to love two people at once. I said yes. I still would say yes, because of how many different ways there are to love someone. I understand why people would say no... It's the whole "I love you with all my heart" thing, right? I get that. I have known people who love like that. I'm not sure if I've ever loved like that, though. I feel like my heart is crowded... and yet it keeps growing to let more people in. I don't know if anybody can have all my heart. That makes me really, really sad. I want to be able to love the way so many people want to be loved. I just don't know how to stop loving unless the love turns to hate. I don't want to keep hurting people, but I think this is really hard to understand if you are one of the "all my heart" people. I don't want to have to clarify my exact meaning every time I tell someone I love them.

Sometimes I feel like the song Cactus Tree by Joni Mitchell:
"There's a lady in the city
And she thinks she loves them all
There's the one who's thinking of her
There's the one who sometimes calls
There's the one who writes her letters
With his facts and figures scrawl
She has brought them to her senses
They have laughed inside her laughter
Now she rallies her defenses
For she fears that one will ask her
For eternity
And she's so busy being free
...
She will love them when she sees them
They will lose her if they follow
And she only means to please them
And her heart is full and hollow
Like a cactus tree"
It isn't an exact fit, but pretty dang close.

Is it ok to be this way? Does it make me a bad person, or a shallow person, or... something?

When I get thinking about this stuff, I usually end up thinking that I should only have friendships. But I so easily get carried away...

Anyway, I think at this point I'm going to start talking in circles, so I guess that's all for now.

Halloween, take 2

After the flop of the Monster Ball, I was really hoping the party at McMenamins would be fun. And guess what? It was! I got a lot of pictures and did some dancing and had some delicious drinks (but not too many).

Next on the list of Halloween festivities is going to Silver Moon on Halloween itself for the screaming contest.

Also, it's been really nice this year to have a costume that I don't have to explain to everybody. :)

Prologue

I'm working on a big long post about Love. I don't have time to finish it today, because Halloween festivities take priority. :D

So today's post kinda sucks; sorry about that.

Hey, pumpkins!

Being "cool" is overrated!

So we tried going to the Monster Ball, "the hottest Halloween party in Bend".

It sucked.

We are so much better than that.

Wish us better luck for tomorrow.

For now, quiet drinks beside the fire at McMenamins Fireside Pub. Muuuch better.

Blogger's block

I've been trying all day to think of what to write.

All you get today is this food for thought that I've been nibbling on for a while:

A big part of changing is believing that you can.

If you don't believe you can, how can you change that?

If you have thoughts on this, please comment.

Gimme some cheese with my whine...

I was at Thump in between clients getting a Mayan cocoa and the barista filled it to just short of overflowing, which meant the whipped cream stuck up over the edge of the cup about an inch. I had to put a lid on it and get back to my office, so I was trying to take sips of it first so I wouldn't spill it all over while putting the lid on. I dribbled a tiny bit on my chin in the effort. I grabbed a napkin and was cleaning up and feeling a little self-conscious. For some reason, the barista decided at this point that it was a good idea to tease me for spilling. I just said "yeah" and left. I was unreasonably angry. I wanted to have said "Fuck. You." instead. I'm glad I didn't, because I recognize that that would have been a horrible overreaction, but I sure felt like it.

I guess I'm a little sensitive today.

---------------

So many Halloween festivities to choose from! I'm going to try to make it to the Monster Ball on Friday, the McMenamins party on Saturday, and cosmic bowling at Sun Mountain then Silver Moon (solely for the screaming contest which I WILL WIN) on Halloween itself.

Also, I finally made my Halloween costume last night and it looks awesome and I'm really excited. I think maybe this year I won't have to explain to every single person what I am. Hopefully. As a friend said, "never underestimate the stupidity of the public". XP

---------------

I'm having another one of those times when the thought of eating anything makes me feel sick. It sucks. Maybe I could have soup. Maybe.

Melty

I feel good inside.

Warm and gooey...

like melted chocolate.

Can this last forever, please?

Happy camper.

Sunrise and I were talking about Christmas today and how we want to go about celebrating it. It came up because my therapist basically said there's no way we can have a nice holiday with me leaving a week later, but we are determined to prove her wrong. We are going to celebrate Christmas and decorate and get a tree and sing carols and it'll be awesome, dammit! And then we're going to hurriedly pack everything. I think it'll make a damn fine send off—Doctor Who style. (bonus points if you get it)

My therapist also said I need to get a social life, which isn't surprising since I almost never do anything. Conveniently, I might get to see one of my dearest friends on Wednesday! One can hope. :)

I'm really gonna sew my Halloween costume tonight! Fo shizzle!

All these things make me happy—along with dancing and kitties and cocoa and baking cookies and singing and spaghetti, etc.

Rock the Vote! part 2

I remembered some more thoughts I had while filling out my ballot last night.

This happens every time I fill out a ballot: I wonder how much it really matters what I vote or even that I vote at all.

I tend to go back and forth on this for a while. I think about all the people in my city. Then I think about all the people in my county. Then I think about all the people in my state. Then I think about all the people in my country. In all of these regions, I am a speck. My opinion is this tiny little voice among thousands of voices. What difference can this little speck make?

Then I remember an exercise we did in history class in middle school. We were studying whatever time period that was before women and black people could vote. Well, it just happened to be time to elect a class president, but the teacher had us do it in a bit of a different way. She/he* took out a shuffled deck of cards and passed one card out to each of us. The two candidates for class president sat at the front of the classroom and we all went up and put our card in front of whichever candidate we wanted to vote for. I was the last student to put my card down. The teacher then tallied up the votes and announced the winner. Then the teacher said, "But if this was [insert time period we were studying here], the result would be different. If your card was an even number, you represent a man. If your card was an odd number, you represent a woman and you can't vote." So the teacher removed all of the odd-numbered cards from each candidate's pile. The teacher continued, "Also, if your card was red, you represent a white person. If your card was black, you represent a black person and you can't vote." And the teacher removed the black cards from each pile. The teacher tallied it up again and the candidate I voted for won by one vote—my vote of the 8 of hearts.

That time, my vote made the difference. Why shouldn't it now?

Of course, then I remember learning something about electoral colleges or something like that and thinking that they made my voting pointless. At this point in the thought process I tell myself to shut up and just fill out the damn ballot just in case it does count for anything.


*(honestly I don't remember what teacher this was; this was about when I really stopped caring about my schooling)

Rock the Vote!

I just finished filling out my ballot. On that note:

Had a case of deja vu with the two measures in a row on privately-owned casinos. I think they were trying to pull a fast one on me.

I was intrigued by the student running for State Treasurer. I doubt he has a chance of winning (also, I looked at his website and concluded that he just didn't seem quite ready, so I didn't vote for him), but I bet someday... someday he'll go places. I kinda want to keep tabs on him to see what he does in the future.

I was amused by the fact that the write-up for Obama was furnished by "Obama for America" while the write-up for Romney was furnished by "Romney for President, Inc." You'd think Romney would want to seem more down-to-earth or like a "real" person right now, with some of the flack he's been getting on those fronts. But then again, according to him, corporations are people too. *smirk*

Barbara of Wabi Sabi is running for a seat on the city council. Anyone who thinks Bend needs more access to Studio Ghibli and fun Japanese candy can't be too bad, right? I've spent some time with her on a couple of occasions, and she's always been really awesome.

Did you fill out your ballot yet? Put your pencil where your mouth is or you're not allowed to complain later. ;)

"Mind over mood."

I am going through cognitive behavioral therapy, facilitated by the book Mind Over Mood and weekly appointments with a psychiatric NP.

I'm trying to be more stable. I'm tired of feeling like there's a storm in my brain. I'm tired of feeling so guilty for all of the consequences of my bad choices. I'm tired of not understanding why I do certain things. I recognize that certain traumas in my past have affected how I have perceived the world and how I have reacted to it. I have hope that dealing with these traumas will help me reprogram myself and see things in a more accurate way.

And yet . . .

For some reason... in some way... I am attached to my neuroses. Maybe I feel like they make me special? Or profound? Or maybe I feel like I deserve them.

I want to get rid of them.
But then I'd be normal.
I've grown to be proud of my weirdness.
So I don't want to get rid of them.

Maybe the real problem is that I feel like if I get rid of my neuroses, I won't be me anymore.

Stupid technology.

So, I don't know if this only happens for me, but sometimes when I try to view my blog, it'll show up with the wrong font. Does this happen to anyone else?

If it tries to show up like this:

Try reloading the page because it should look like this:

This has been a public service announcement. Thank you.

Spooooky

In the seasonal spirit, we are watching Tales of Terror (instant watch on Netflix!), which consists of three tales by Edgar Allan Poe featuring Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, and Basil Rathbone!

To make the experience complete, we are sitting in candlelight and eating steaming chicken pot pie. :D

Next up: Abbot and Costello Meet the Mummy! dun-dun-DUNNNN

Hail the Victorious

I JUST HAD AN EPIC BATTLE WITH A SPIDER.

We both won—it is out of my territory and it got to live.

It's good practice for me.
I wish I didn't need the practice.

It was kinda like this:

Corn maze!

It's that time of year again...

Sunrise and I went to the corn maze out in Terrebonne the other day. It was the best one yet, in my opinion! It was PacMan themed, with an awesome entryway playing the sound of the game.

It had ghosts throughout that you had to steer clear of... which I wasn't very good at. XP

We got there in time to enjoy the sunset...

And we finished before they kicked everyone out. :D

Corny beat poetry!

Mayan cocoa in my hand
I hear the wind in the trees
As they shower me with leaves
Zip zop as I walk
In my corduroy pants
Autumn is here
Winter is near
Before we know it
It'll be the end of the year

Too much.

So much to do!

One of these days, I have to: clean, sew my Halloween costume, get a lot of reading done, get a lot of writing done, work in my workbook, paint, go through my bags and bags of files and documents and papers and receipts to figure out what to keep or shred or recycle, do the Great Closet Switchover (take out all my winter clothes and pack away my summer ones), eat all the non perishable foods we've had for years, bake cookies, and clean some more. Oh, and I have to make up some time at work for being sick.

I'll start on all of that tomorrow. ;P

Oops, I did it again.

I forgot to make a post yesterday. It still feels like yesterday as I write this at 2am...

Not much of note to report, I'm afraid. Still coughing like I'm gonna die. And my acupuncturist is on vacation for a week, o woe is me.

I was thinking a lot about writing today. Too bad I didn't have a chance to get any of it down. Hopefully my brain has a vault where it keeps all of my good ideas until I can write them down.

Is it acceptable to toast with cough syrup?
...here's lookin' at you, kid.

Politics

I don't often talk politics. I usually hate it, in fact.

All I'm going to say right now (and probably for all of election season) is:

Sweaters

It's been sneaking into my mind lately that I need to buy some sweaters.

I have some sweaters that I never wear that I should probably get rid of. I have some sweaters that I should probably get rid of because they have shrunk to the point that they are embarrassingly difficult to put on. Putting those aside, I have very very few sweaters! And it's autumn! Soon it'll be winter! I need sweaters!

I just went out and bought one sweater, although it barely counts... It's one I'll have to wear a tank top under because you can see right through it.

Maybe when I get more sweaters I'll do a "haul" post. :)

Edited to add:
This is such a "first world problem"...

Halloween

It's getting close to Halloween and I still haven't made my costume! I hope it's as easy to sew as I keep imagining.

That's all for today. I'm tired and I feel weird.

What a day.

High emotion.

I don't even remember what I was originally planning on writing about today...

Maybe the fact that I'm definitely on the road to health?

I certainly wasn't planning on writing about old memories coming back to torment me in disgusting, traumatic detail.

I'm sure I also wasn't planning to write about how I felt good about an action at first and mere hours later was hating myself (which these days = hitting myself) for fear and dread of bad consequences. It turned out ok, I guess; too bad I couldn't just keep a level head so now my thighs have to pay for it. You know what? I still feel good about the action. It was something I wanted to do, and I believe it had the effect I was hoping for. So yeah.

I'm tired, and my brain is a wreck. I need less stress and more clarity, and I need it now. I've made a couple changes that have helped, but it isn't enough. At this point it seems like anything I could do that would help with my current stress would just cause stress of a different variety.

THE GOOD:
1. I am definitely on the road to health; I got acupuncture and cupping again on Wednesday and since then, my sinuses have been mercifully clear and I'm now coughing up white/clear gunk from my lungs instead of brown/green gunk. Also, my energy level is up and I'm breathing a lot more easily.
2. Today I was thinking about nicknames (nice ones, not mean ones) and it made me smile really big.

Hmm. Only two. Oh well.

Emo-Martha, signing off.

I Feel Pretty

One thing I realized when I was editing my video project was that we never got any clear, well-lit footage of me post-makeover. Oops.

But we did take some pictures!

The full effect!

the best shot of my makeup that took forever

the best shot of my gorgeous hair

I figured out the problem.

I think I mentioned earlier that I began writing a new story that I really like the concept of but I hated what I came up with when I tried to start writing it. I have a pretty good idea of the outline of the story, and I have some details in my mind too—how I want to describe certain things and whatnot. I couldn't understand why I didn't like what I'd written so far. Then it hit me; I didn't like it because I was still writing in the style of the story I put on hold. I don't know if I can switch writing styles... I'm probably just not good enough yet to flow in and out with different writing styles.

So I decided to continue with the first story. I'm gonna finish it, dammit, and then it'll be out of my system and I can discover the style that is appropriate to the new story.

Go team.

Video project is complete!!

Ok, I'm gonna sleep now. Enjoy.

Holy garlic, Batman!!

So yeah, I'm still sick—sicker than I was yesterday, in fact. Furthermore, I am SO sick that I called in to work and cancelled my private appointments. It's a stay in bed drinking tea and watching 5 minutes of a movie at a time in-between naps kind of a day. At least, that's the plan. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept coughing and choking on my swollen friggin' throat. I'm hoping I can try to sleep propped up and that will miraculously work better.

Did you know that garlic is a naturally powerful antibacterial, antiviral, and anti-inflammatory agent? Well, I did. So I got the awesome idea to eat a whole clove of fresh, raw garlic. I'll be totally healthy by the end of the day, right?

This is how the thought process went:
"Hey hey, I'm gonna eat this here clove of garlic. I love garlic; it'll be tasty and cure me of my cold!"
Chew chew chew...
"Wow, that's... um... an interesting texture."
"Oh my GAWD it tastes like PAAAAIN"
Frantic chewing to get the bits small enough to definitely not choke on... aaaand swallow.
"Ok, that's done with. It's all going to be awesome from here, right?"
"It buuurns us, Precioussss!"
Drink some water.
"It'll be ok."
"I—I might throw up."
"No, I refuse to throw up."
Drink some more water.
"Ok, I can manage this."
"It's just a little warm now... wow, all the way from my throat to my belly. Hmm. Well, this'll be fun."

A little later, a friend told me you can just cut it up into little pieces and swallow it like pills. Oops.

Still, I'll be better tomorrow, right?

Sick.

Yesterday I was on the phone with my mom. I'd just had spicy food (which always makes me phlegmy) and I was outside and it was a bit chilly out (so I was a little sniffly) so she asked me if I was sick. I told her I was perfectly healthy. And I meant it.

This morning I woke up with a swollen, sore throat. My energy level was WAY lower than usual. My sinuses were all stuffed up. My lungs felt heavy.

I sent my mom a text message: "Ok, NOW I'm sick."

I blame the power of suggestion.

I should have stayed home from work today. I might stay home from work tomorrow. There is, of course, the age-old dilemma—I need the money. On the other hand, I need to get better. On a third hand, I don't want to get anyone else sick.

There is only one solution...

If you wish to donate to the "Martha Needs To Stay Home And Get Healthy" fund, send checks, cash, or money orders to my home address. ;P

Video project details, etc.

I am importing the photos/videos from my video project and it is taking forever. I guess I never talked about it in more detail like I said I would.

So!

It is a video with a theme of accepting yourself and not conforming to other people's standards of beauty. It begins with me looking unsatisfied with what I see in the mirror. I get a makeover. I go out to a bar hoping to be happy now that I am looking the ways and doing the things society says I should.

(Hey, they finished importing!)

Ahem. So I go to this bar and I expect to fit in and feel comfortable, but I find that I am actually WAY MORE uncomfortable than I was just being myself. So I go home, take down the fancy hair, wash off the makeup, and take off the sexy dress and I am left with me, which I now realize is the only thing I want to be, and I am happy. The end.

The video will be set to this song, and there will be no other audio.

This is gonna take forever to edit, but I think it'll be worth it. :)

--------------

I was at World Market the other day and they had Christmas decorations out, yay! I know most people hate seeing that stuff out already, but since I start feeling Christmassy in September, I was really excited. Like, twirling-around-in-the-store-squealing excited.

--------------

For the makeover for my video project, I painted my nails. Now I can't stop staring at them while giving massage. The sparkles are mesmerizing...

--------------

Still coughing a bit. Looking forward to more cupping and acupuncture on Wednesday. I wonder if I'll bleed through the lung points during cupping again. That was so cool.

--------------

The other day I was singing (again) and I sang A House Is Not A Home (the glee version, of course) and hit all the notes for the first time! Go me! What was I saying about small victories?

Small victories!

The other day I was walking somewhere and singing. I was stopped at a crosswalk and someone came up next to me. I got quieter for a moment. Then I decided "screw it" and kept singing at my previous volume.

Maybe someday I can sing in front of people who choose to be there just to hear me sing.

---------

In related news, one of my singing videos on YouTube has over 200 hits now for some reason.
...Cool! XD

POW!

Today I got acupuncture and cupping. It was awesome. I get more next week.

I never thought I'd be paying someone to stick me with needles. Or give me hickeys without the fun bonus of making out, for that matter...

PLUG Anyway, if you want a good acupuncturist, go to Almine Barton at Healing Response Acupuncture & Integrative Medicine. /PLUG


Tomorrow I'm going to make essentially a music video, except it won't be me singing. I'm excited anyway, though. It's something I've been thinking about for a while, and I hope it turns out as well as I've been imagining. I'll write more about that tomorrow.


Also, today I got balls.*


Oh! Oh! ALSO, today I picked up a manuscript I'm proofreading for a friend. I'm really excited. I love proofreading. I'm such a nerd. I even got a new pen with pretty ink for it.




*Inside joke, sorry. I'll try not to do that too much.   ;)

I'm a writer, I swear.

I always feel like I have a story in me, trying to get out. I like putting things down in writing and playing with words, and people tend to like what I come up with... Either that or they're very polite, which I appreciate.

I was working on a book—you know, an honest to goodness novel—but I quit. Again. Last time I tried to write a whole novel, it got too personal and it was more like therapy for me. So I quit. This time, it was a mixture of not knowing enough about the subject I was trying to write about, not really being able to do research about the subject, and the subject just being too controversial. It wasn't too controversial for me—I like shocking people a bit sometimes—but I don't want to make people close to me too uncomfortable and cause problems. So I quit (kinda). I hope I can resume someday. I think it's a good story and it was coming out very naturally and effortlessly for a while there.

I have another story trying to get out; it is a fantasy with potential for very fun imagery. I should be able to make it a full novel, too! (Look at me, talking like I know what I'm doing!) Again, I know I'll need to do research, but this research will be much easier. I started writing this story the other day; I wrote about a paragraph and hated it. Beginnings are hard for me, but I have a linear brain. I can't start in the middle. I just CAN'T. It's WRONG. (OCD, anyone?) The only thing I felt good about was my main character's name. I gave her the old Irish name Ciara (pronounced "kee-ra"), which roughly means "dark one" (referring to someone with dark brown eyes and hair). This is incredibly appropriate, considering that she's a Selkie. I've loved Selkie lore since childhood and I'm excited to write some of my own. I will take some allowances and add some details (that will be presented in the book as "corrections") to the mythology to serve my purposes. Honestly though, I think my addendums make sense and aren't that much of a stretch.

Wish me luck in my efforts to write the gorram thing.

What you need to know about this is...

I'm going to try to write something every day. I'm not promising that it'll be anything good. I'm just trying to express myself more with no apologies. What you'll get here is raw, unfiltered, unapologetic me. At times it'll probably be "TMI". At other times it'll be totally boring, I'm sure.

Oh well.

Kitten in a top hat!

Same kitty all grown up??