Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween thrills

So I was walking down the street and some guy jumped out of a tree right in front of me! I screamed. It was awesome. It made me happy.

PS I am drunk right now.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Disney Buys Star Wars: Best Of

Stay tuned for updates as the madness/hilarity unfolds...

http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/4-reasons-you-should-be-thrilled-disney-bought-star-wars

Monday, October 29, 2012

big long LOVE post

I've been thinking quite a bit about love over the last few years... and especially lately.

Fair warning: this may seem a bit jumbled.

There are so many different kinds of love... And is any one kind better than another? Deeper, sure. But better?

I have loved some of my friends more deeply than I have loved some of my boyfriends.

I have loved multiple people the same way, I have loved some people the way I should have loved other people, and there are people that I have loved in ways that I could never love anyone else.

I also have noticed that I very rarely stop loving someone. With the exception of my first boyfriend and this mistake from a few years back that makes me shudder, I still have feelings for everyone I've ever loved.
For instance, somewhere inside me is the first grader who was so smitten with Devon that she secretly kissed the top of his head through his baseball cap in the middle of storytime. There is also the middle schooler who wrote poetry about Kyle's eyes. There is the high schooler who got heart flutters and couldn't keep from grinning every time Justin made that face.
Of course these things don't translate to present day; Today-Me has no feelings for Today-Devon or -Kyle or -Justin—I can't say I even know them anymore. The feelings are still there, though—and they are still very real.

When I was 18, someone asked me if I thought it was possible to love two people at once. I said yes. I still would say yes, because of how many different ways there are to love someone. I understand why people would say no... It's the whole "I love you with all my heart" thing, right? I get that. I have known people who love like that. I'm not sure if I've ever loved like that, though. I feel like my heart is crowded... and yet it keeps growing to let more people in. I don't know if anybody can have all my heart. That makes me really, really sad. I want to be able to love the way so many people want to be loved. I just don't know how to stop loving unless the love turns to hate. I don't want to keep hurting people, but I think this is really hard to understand if you are one of the "all my heart" people. I don't want to have to clarify my exact meaning every time I tell someone I love them.

Sometimes I feel like the song Cactus Tree by Joni Mitchell:
"There's a lady in the city
And she thinks she loves them all
There's the one who's thinking of her
There's the one who sometimes calls
There's the one who writes her letters
With his facts and figures scrawl
She has brought them to her senses
They have laughed inside her laughter
Now she rallies her defenses
For she fears that one will ask her
For eternity
And she's so busy being free
...
She will love them when she sees them
They will lose her if they follow
And she only means to please them
And her heart is full and hollow
Like a cactus tree"

It isn't an exact fit, but pretty dang close.

Is it ok to be this way? Does it make me a bad person, or a shallow person, or... something?

When I get thinking about this stuff, I usually end up thinking that I should only have friendships. But I so easily get carried away...

Anyway, I think at this point I'm going to start talking in circles, so I guess that's all for now.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Halloween, take 2

After the flop of the Monster Ball, I was really hoping the party at McMenamins would be fun. And guess what? It was! I got a lot of pictures and did some dancing and had some delicious drinks (but not too many).

Next on the list of Halloween festivities is going to Silver Moon on Halloween itself for the screaming contest.

Also, it's been really nice this year to have a costume that I don't have to explain to everybody. :)

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Prologue

I'm working on a big long post about Love. I don't have time to finish it today, because Halloween festivities take priority. :D

So today's post kinda sucks; sorry about that.

Hey, pumpkins!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Being "cool" is overrated!

So we tried going to the Monster Ball, "the hottest Halloween party in Bend".

It sucked.

We are so much better than that.

Wish us better luck for tomorrow.

For now, quiet drinks beside the fire at McMenamins Fireside Pub. Muuuch better.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Blogger's block

I've been trying all day to think of what to write.

All you get today is this food for thought that I've been nibbling on for a while:

A big part of changing is believing that you can.

If you don't believe you can, how can you change that?


If you have thoughts on this, please comment.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Gimme some cheese with my whine...

I was at Thump in between clients getting a Mayan cocoa and the barista filled it to just short of overflowing, which meant the whipped cream stuck up over the edge of the cup about an inch. I had to put a lid on it and get back to my office, so I was trying to take sips of it first so I wouldn't spill it all over while putting the lid on. I dribbled a tiny bit on my chin in the effort. I grabbed a napkin and was cleaning up and feeling a little self-conscious. For some reason, the barista decided at this point that it was a good idea to tease me for spilling. I just said "yeah" and left. I was unreasonably angry. I wanted to have said "Fuck. You." instead. I'm glad I didn't, because I recognize that that would have been a horrible overreaction, but I sure felt like it.

I guess I'm a little sensitive today.

---------------

So many Halloween festivities to choose from! I'm going to try to make it to the Monster Ball on Friday, the McMenamins party on Saturday, and cosmic bowling at Sun Mountain then Silver Moon (solely for the screaming contest which I WILL WIN) on Halloween itself.

Also, I finally made my Halloween costume last night and it looks awesome and I'm really excited. I think maybe this year I won't have to explain to every single person what I am. Hopefully. As a friend said, "never underestimate the stupidity of the public". XP

---------------

I'm having another one of those times when the thought of eating anything makes me feel sick. It sucks. Maybe I could have soup. Maybe.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Melty

I feel good inside.

Warm and gooey...

like melted chocolate.

Can this last forever, please?

Monday, October 22, 2012

Happy camper.

Sunrise and I were talking about Christmas today and how we want to go about celebrating it. It came up because my therapist basically said there's no way we can have a nice holiday with me leaving a week later, but we are determined to prove her wrong. We are going to celebrate Christmas and decorate and get a tree and sing carols and it'll be awesome, dammit! And then we're going to hurriedly pack everything. I think it'll make a damn fine send off—Doctor Who style. (bonus points if you get it)

My therapist also said I need to get a social life, which isn't surprising since I almost never do anything. Conveniently, I might get to see one of my dearest friends on Wednesday! One can hope. :)

I'm really gonna sew my Halloween costume tonight! Fo shizzle!

All these things make me happy—along with dancing and kitties and cocoa and baking cookies and singing and spaghetti, etc.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Rock the Vote! part 2

I remembered some more thoughts I had while filling out my ballot last night.

This happens every time I fill out a ballot: I wonder how much it really matters what I vote or even that I vote at all.

I tend to go back and forth on this for a while. I think about all the people in my city. Then I think about all the people in my county. Then I think about all the people in my state. Then I think about all the people in my country. In all of these regions, I am a speck. My opinion is this tiny little voice among thousands of voices. What difference can this little speck make?

Then I remember an exercise we did in history class in middle school. We were studying whatever time period that was before women and black people could vote. Well, it just happened to be time to elect a class president, but the teacher had us do it in a bit of a different way. She/he* took out a shuffled deck of cards and passed one card out to each of us. The two candidates for class president sat at the front of the classroom and we all went up and put our card in front of whichever candidate we wanted to vote for. I was the last student to put my card down. The teacher then tallied up the votes and announced the winner. Then the teacher said, "But if this was [insert time period we were studying here], the result would be different. If your card was an even number, you represent a man. If your card was an odd number, you represent a woman and you can't vote." So the teacher removed all of the odd-numbered cards from each candidate's pile. The teacher continued, "Also, if your card was red, you represent a white person. If your card was black, you represent a black person and you can't vote." And the teacher removed the black cards from each pile. The teacher tallied it up again and the candidate I voted for won by one vote—my vote of the 8 of hearts.

That time, my vote made the difference. Why shouldn't it now?

Of course, then I remember learning something about electoral colleges or something like that and thinking that they made my voting pointless. At this point in the thought process I tell myself to shut up and just fill out the damn ballot just in case it does count for anything.


*(honestly I don't remember what teacher this was; this was about when I really stopped caring about my schooling)

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Rock the Vote!

I just finished filling out my ballot. On that note:

Had a case of deja vu with the two measures in a row on privately-owned casinos. I think they were trying to pull a fast one on me.

I was intrigued by the student running for State Treasurer. I doubt he has a chance of winning (also, I looked at his website and concluded that he just didn't seem quite ready, so I didn't vote for him), but I bet someday... someday he'll go places. I kinda want to keep tabs on him to see what he does in the future.

I was amused by the fact that the write-up for Obama was furnished by "Obama for America" while the write-up for Romney was furnished by "Romney for President, Inc." You'd think Romney would want to seem more down-to-earth or like a "real" person right now, with some of the flack he's been getting on those fronts. But then again, according to him, corporations are people too. *smirk*

Barbara of Wabi Sabi is running for a seat on the city council. Anyone who thinks Bend needs more access to Studio Ghibli and fun Japanese candy can't be too bad, right? I've spent some time with her on a couple of occasions, and she's always been really awesome.

Did you fill out your ballot yet? Put your pencil where your mouth is or you're not allowed to complain later. ;)

Friday, October 19, 2012

"Mind over mood."

I am going through cognitive behavioral therapy, facilitated by the book Mind Over Mood and weekly appointments with a psychiatric NP.

I'm trying to be more stable. I'm tired of feeling like there's a storm in my brain. I'm tired of feeling so guilty for all of the consequences of my bad choices. I'm tired of not understanding why I do certain things. I recognize that certain traumas in my past have affected how I have perceived the world and how I have reacted to it. I have hope that dealing with these traumas will help me reprogram myself and see things in a more accurate way.

And yet . . .

For some reason... in some way... I am attached to my neuroses. Maybe I feel like they make me special? Or profound? Or maybe I feel like I deserve them.

I want to get rid of them.
But then I'd be normal.
I've grown to be proud of my weirdness.
So I don't want to get rid of them.

Maybe the real problem is that I feel like if I get rid of my neuroses, I won't be me anymore.

Stupid technology.

So, I don't know if this only happens for me, but sometimes when I try to view my blog, it'll show up with the wrong font. Does this happen to anyone else?

If it tries to show up like this:



Try reloading the page because it should look like this:



This has been a public service announcement. Thank you.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Spooooky

In the seasonal spirit, we are watching Tales of Terror (instant watch on Netflix!), which consists of three tales by Edgar Allan Poe featuring Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, and Basil Rathbone!

To make the experience complete, we are sitting in candlelight and eating steaming chicken pot pie. :D

Next up: Abbot and Costello Meet the Mummy! dun-dun-DUNNNN

Hail the Victorious

I JUST HAD AN EPIC BATTLE WITH A SPIDER.

We both won—it is out of my territory and it got to live.

It's good practice for me.
I wish I didn't need the practice.

It was kinda like this:

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Corn maze!

It's that time of year again...

Sunrise and I went to the corn maze out in Terrebonne the other day. It was the best one yet, in my opinion! It was PacMan themed, with an awesome entryway playing the sound of the game.




It had ghosts throughout that you had to steer clear of... which I wasn't very good at. XP


We got there in time to enjoy the sunset...


And we finished before they kicked everyone out. :D


Corny beat poetry!

Mayan cocoa in my hand
I hear the wind in the trees
As they shower me with leaves
Zip zop as I walk
In my corduroy pants
Autumn is here
Winter is near
Before we know it
It'll be the end of the year

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Too much.

So much to do!

One of these days, I have to: clean, sew my Halloween costume, get a lot of reading done, get a lot of writing done, work in my workbook, paint, go through my bags and bags of files and documents and papers and receipts to figure out what to keep or shred or recycle, do the Great Closet Switchover (take out all my winter clothes and pack away my summer ones), eat all the non perishable foods we've had for years, bake cookies, and clean some more. Oh, and I have to make up some time at work for being sick.

I'll start on all of that tomorrow. ;P

Oops, I did it again.

I forgot to make a post yesterday. It still feels like yesterday as I write this at 2am...

Not much of note to report, I'm afraid. Still coughing like I'm gonna die. And my acupuncturist is on vacation for a week, o woe is me.

I was thinking a lot about writing today. Too bad I didn't have a chance to get any of it down. Hopefully my brain has a vault where it keeps all of my good ideas until I can write them down.

Is it acceptable to toast with cough syrup?
...here's lookin' at you, kid.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Politics

I don't often talk politics. I usually hate it, in fact.

All I'm going to say right now (and probably for all of election season) is:

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Sweaters

It's been sneaking into my mind lately that I need to buy some sweaters.

I have some sweaters that I never wear that I should probably get rid of. I have some sweaters that I should probably get rid of because they have shrunk to the point that they are embarrassingly difficult to put on. Putting those aside, I have very very few sweaters! And it's autumn! Soon it'll be winter! I need sweaters!

I just went out and bought one sweater, although it barely counts... It's one I'll have to wear a tank top under because you can see right through it.

Maybe when I get more sweaters I'll do a "haul" post. :)

Edited to add:
This is such a "first world problem"...

Friday, October 12, 2012

Halloween

It's getting close to Halloween and I still haven't made my costume! I hope it's as easy to sew as I keep imagining.

That's all for today. I'm tired and I feel weird.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

What a day.

High emotion.

I don't even remember what I was originally planning on writing about today...

Maybe the fact that I'm definitely on the road to health?

I certainly wasn't planning on writing about old memories coming back to torment me in disgusting, traumatic detail.

I'm sure I also wasn't planning to write about how I felt good about an action at first and mere hours later was hating myself (which these days = hitting myself) for fear and dread of bad consequences. It turned out ok, I guess; too bad I couldn't just keep a level head so now my thighs have to pay for it. You know what? I still feel good about the action. It was something I wanted to do, and I believe it had the effect I was hoping for. So yeah.

I'm tired, and my brain is a wreck. I need less stress and more clarity, and I need it now. I've made a couple changes that have helped, but it isn't enough. At this point it seems like anything I could do that would help with my current stress would just cause stress of a different variety.

THE GOOD:
1. I am definitely on the road to health; I got acupuncture and cupping again on Wednesday and since then, my sinuses have been mercifully clear and I'm now coughing up white/clear gunk from my lungs instead of brown/green gunk. Also, my energy level is up and I'm breathing a lot more easily.
2. Today I was thinking about nicknames (nice ones, not mean ones) and it made me smile really big.

Hmm. Only two. Oh well.

Emo-Martha, signing off.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I Feel Pretty

One thing I realized when I was editing my video project was that we never got any clear, well-lit footage of me post-makeover. Oops.

But we did take some pictures!

The full effect!

the best shot of my makeup that took forever

the best shot of my gorgeous hair

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I figured out the problem.

I think I mentioned earlier that I began writing a new story that I really like the concept of but I hated what I came up with when I tried to start writing it. I have a pretty good idea of the outline of the story, and I have some details in my mind too—how I want to describe certain things and whatnot. I couldn't understand why I didn't like what I'd written so far. Then it hit me; I didn't like it because I was still writing in the style of the story I put on hold. I don't know if I can switch writing styles... I'm probably just not good enough yet to flow in and out with different writing styles.

So I decided to continue with the first story. I'm gonna finish it, dammit, and then it'll be out of my system and I can discover the style that is appropriate to the new story.

Go team.

Video project is complete!!



Ok, I'm gonna sleep now. Enjoy.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Holy garlic, Batman!!

So yeah, I'm still sick—sicker than I was yesterday, in fact. Furthermore, I am SO sick that I called in to work and cancelled my private appointments. It's a stay in bed drinking tea and watching 5 minutes of a movie at a time in-between naps kind of a day. At least, that's the plan. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept coughing and choking on my swollen friggin' throat. I'm hoping I can try to sleep propped up and that will miraculously work better.

Did you know that garlic is a naturally powerful antibacterial, antiviral, and anti-inflammatory agent? Well, I did. So I got the awesome idea to eat a whole clove of fresh, raw garlic. I'll be totally healthy by the end of the day, right?

This is how the thought process went:
"Hey hey, I'm gonna eat this here clove of garlic. I love garlic; it'll be tasty and cure me of my cold!"
Chew chew chew...
"Wow, that's... um... an interesting texture."
"Oh my GAWD it tastes like PAAAAIN"
Frantic chewing to get the bits small enough to definitely not choke on... aaaand swallow.
"Ok, that's done with. It's all going to be awesome from here, right?"
"It buuurns us, Precioussss!"
Drink some water.
"It'll be ok."
"I—I might throw up."
"No, I refuse to throw up."
Drink some more water.
"Ok, I can manage this."
"It's just a little warm now... wow, all the way from my throat to my belly. Hmm. Well, this'll be fun."

A little later, a friend told me you can just cut it up into little pieces and swallow it like pills. Oops.

Still, I'll be better tomorrow, right?

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Sick.

Yesterday I was on the phone with my mom. I'd just had spicy food (which always makes me phlegmy) and I was outside and it was a bit chilly out (so I was a little sniffly) so she asked me if I was sick. I told her I was perfectly healthy. And I meant it.

This morning I woke up with a swollen, sore throat. My energy level was WAY lower than usual. My sinuses were all stuffed up. My lungs felt heavy.

I sent my mom a text message: "Ok, NOW I'm sick."

I blame the power of suggestion.

I should have stayed home from work today. I might stay home from work tomorrow. There is, of course, the age-old dilemma—I need the money. On the other hand, I need to get better. On a third hand, I don't want to get anyone else sick.

There is only one solution...

If you wish to donate to the "Martha Needs To Stay Home And Get Healthy" fund, send checks, cash, or money orders to my home address. ;P

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Video project details, etc.

I am importing the photos/videos from my video project and it is taking forever. I guess I never talked about it in more detail like I said I would.

So!

It is a video with a theme of accepting yourself and not conforming to other people's standards of beauty. It begins with me looking unsatisfied with what I see in the mirror. I get a makeover. I go out to a bar hoping to be happy now that I am looking the ways and doing the things society says I should.

(Hey, they finished importing!)

Ahem. So I go to this bar and I expect to fit in and feel comfortable, but I find that I am actually WAY MORE uncomfortable than I was just being myself. So I go home, take down the fancy hair, wash off the makeup, and take off the sexy dress and I am left with me, which I now realize is the only thing I want to be, and I am happy. The end.

The video will be set to this song, and there will be no other audio.

This is gonna take forever to edit, but I think it'll be worth it. :)

--------------

I was at World Market the other day and they had Christmas decorations out, yay! I know most people hate seeing that stuff out already, but since I start feeling Christmassy in September, I was really excited. Like, twirling-around-in-the-store-squealing excited.

--------------

For the makeover for my video project, I painted my nails. Now I can't stop staring at them while giving massage. The sparkles are mesmerizing...

--------------

Still coughing a bit. Looking forward to more cupping and acupuncture on Wednesday. I wonder if I'll bleed through the lung points during cupping again. That was so cool.

--------------

The other day I was singing (again) and I sang A House Is Not A Home (the glee version, of course) and hit all the notes for the first time! Go me! What was I saying about small victories?

Friday, October 5, 2012

Small victories!

The other day I was walking somewhere and singing. I was stopped at a crosswalk and someone came up next to me. I got quieter for a moment. Then I decided "screw it" and kept singing at my previous volume.

Maybe someday I can sing in front of people who choose to be there just to hear me sing.

---------

In related news, one of my singing videos on YouTube has over 200 hits now for some reason.
...Cool! XD

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

POW!



Today I got acupuncture and cupping. It was awesome. I get more next week.

I never thought I'd be paying someone to stick me with needles. Or give me hickeys without the fun bonus of making out, for that matter...

PLUG Anyway, if you want a good acupuncturist, go to Almine Barton at Healing Response Acupuncture & Integrative Medicine. /PLUG


Tomorrow I'm going to make essentially a music video, except it won't be me singing. I'm excited anyway, though. It's something I've been thinking about for a while, and I hope it turns out as well as I've been imagining. I'll write more about that tomorrow.


Also, today I got balls.*


Oh! Oh! ALSO, today I picked up a manuscript I'm proofreading for a friend. I'm really excited. I love proofreading. I'm such a nerd. I even got a new pen with pretty ink for it.




*Inside joke, sorry. I'll try not to do that too much.   ;)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I'm a writer, I swear.

I always feel like I have a story in me, trying to get out. I like putting things down in writing and playing with words, and people tend to like what I come up with... Either that or they're very polite, which I appreciate.

I was working on a book—you know, an honest to goodness novel—but I quit. Again. Last time I tried to write a whole novel, it got too personal and it was more like therapy for me. So I quit. This time, it was a mixture of not knowing enough about the subject I was trying to write about, not really being able to do research about the subject, and the subject just being too controversial. It wasn't too controversial for me—I like shocking people a bit sometimes—but I don't want to make people close to me too uncomfortable and cause problems. So I quit (kinda). I hope I can resume someday. I think it's a good story and it was coming out very naturally and effortlessly for a while there.

I have another story trying to get out; it is a fantasy with potential for very fun imagery. I should be able to make it a full novel, too! (Look at me, talking like I know what I'm doing!) Again, I know I'll need to do research, but this research will be much easier. I started writing this story the other day; I wrote about a paragraph and hated it. Beginnings are hard for me, but I have a linear brain. I can't start in the middle. I just CAN'T. It's WRONG. (OCD, anyone?) The only thing I felt good about was my main character's name. I gave her the old Irish name Ciara (pronounced "kee-ra"), which roughly means "dark one" (referring to someone with dark brown eyes and hair). This is incredibly appropriate, considering that she's a Selkie. I've loved Selkie lore since childhood and I'm excited to write some of my own. I will take some allowances and add some details (that will be presented in the book as "corrections") to the mythology to serve my purposes. Honestly though, I think my addendums make sense and aren't that much of a stretch.

Wish me luck in my efforts to write the gorram thing.

What you need to know about this is...

I'm going to try to write something every day. I'm not promising that it'll be anything good. I'm just trying to express myself more with no apologies. What you'll get here is raw, unfiltered, unapologetic me. At times it'll probably be "TMI". At other times it'll be totally boring, I'm sure.

Oh well.

Kitten in a top hat!


Same kitty all grown up??