Just put me out of my misery and hire me already!

AAAAUUUUGH

I hate doing follow-up calls after sending my resume!

I think part of me is always afraid that they're going to say that my resume sucks and I suck and they don't know why anyone would want to hire somebody so sucky.

Anxiety much? XP


Also, I keep switching between feeling like this and being maybe overconfident. I think about all the clients who have said that I do the best massage ever, and I start thinking everyone should want to hire me.

The "happy medium" here is that I know once I get the hiring manager on the table (any clinic, spa, etc should do a "practical interview" as well; otherwise maybe you don't want to work there ;) ) I will blow them away. I know give good massage—relaxation OR treatment. It's just the process of convincing them that they want to give me a practical interview that I get anxious about.

Oops again

Crap, I'm getting bad at this. 40 minutes late.

God, I barely remember today.

We went to the soaking pool at McMenamins; that was awesome. Good way to end a busy day.

Also Doctor Who. Excellent wibbly-wobbly end to a busy day, and the reason I'm up late and forgot to blog until just now.

And how is your relationship with your parents?

I think I might stop going to my counselor.
It's been seeming like she focuses on the wrong things; today when I brought up what I feel I really need help with, she said that our relationship is too young to work on that stuff and she suggests I wait until I get to Portland and find help there. I don't know; we're supposed to start doing mindfulness exercises next time, so I'll give that a try, but if it's something I can do easily on my own I think I'll stop seeing her. I could be putting my money and time to better uses right now, I say.

Not the best day at work...

Oops, I forgot to post yesterday. Yesterday we watched Arthur Christmas, which was actually really fun and cute.

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As for today...

It's really bad when the smell of your client's feet is refreshing compared to the smell of the rest of him.
Speaking of which, as a general rule, don't do anything as the client that you wouldn't want me to do as the therapist. For instance: do you want me getting drunk or high before sticking my elbow four inches into your muscle tissue? No? Well, I don't want you drunk or high on my table so you are fully able to tell me if four inches is getting to be too much.

I love my job. I love that days like today are few and far between.

On a happier note...

I remembered something funny from the other day...

Sunrise and I had gone to dinner at Old Mill Brew Wërks, and we had ordered off-menu drinks (beer milkshakes and beer floats).
When we were given the bill, it was missing some items. We tried to correct them, but they said it was fine. So we tried to give a nice fat cash tip for that and for the trouble of making milkshakes and floats.
He handed us a $5 back and said we tipped too much.
We tried to give it back and he gave it to another guy on staff and told him to go put it under the windshield wiper of Sunrise's car.
We then decided to trick him into accepting it by hiding it under a napkin and leaving before he noticed. We had the corner sticking out a little so it wouldn't get missed and thrown away with the napkin.
We got up, said our thanks, and started walking out. Once we were out of sight we started to run to the car.
Sure enough, he'd sent the other guy out running after us with the $5. We grabbed the original $5 off the windshield, dove into the car and closed the doors. He tried to give it back to us and finally gave up and drive away giggling.

Personally, I think that was way more fun than "dine and dash". ;)

Reality checks and (un)balances

I ordered some rain boots online, seeing as I'm going to need them. I got them in grey. I think that's appropriate. Puddles, here I come.

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I feel weird today... like a sense of dread, but not really... Maybe it's just an overwhelming sense of reality.

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I think I've decided on what to send family members for Christmas. Creative and relatively cheap. Go me.

My friends and I don't tend to exchange gifts... That's fine by me; I'd sooner have their company than more stuff.

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Yup. Reality. Oof. Can I go to bed now?

Common Courtesy

Please note the undercurrent of sarcasm in today's post. Thank you.

I wish clients would tell me a day in advance when they are going to "no show" at Massage Envy. Then I could plan for days like this, when I have two appointments that don't show up so I have a 3 1/2 hour break in the middle of my work day.

I could bring a book. I could take a tranquilizer and get some sleep. I could bring some costumes and play dress up. I could give my brain permission to go to my writing place for several hours and get more than a couple sentences done in a day for once. I could go drink sake and have time to sober up before working again.

Come on, clients. Gimme something.

Oh, hormones...

I'm usually not one to have PMS.
Yesterday, however, I was a weepy mess.

I realized this might be Sunrise's and my last Thanksgiving together as a couple, and that made me weepy.

There was an old woman at the McMenamins Thanksgiving buffet. Sunrise said he had to tell her what some of the items in the buffet were because her eyes weren't so good anymore. He also said she was talking to herself a bit. We were seated across the room from her and saw some people invite her to their table since she was sitting alone. She declined, and we could see her still muttering now and then. I said, "Maybe she's not talking to herself." And Sunrise said, "Maybe she's not sitting alone." I got all weepy again.

Later, at home, Sunrise and I were watching Santa Claus: The Movie. There's a scene in the beginning in which the man who would become Santa gets stuck in a blizzard with his wife and two reindeer. Guess what? That made me all weepy.

I can't wait until my hormones normalize again. XP

Thanksgiving

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Christmas season to bring you...

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving has never been all that important to me. As for all the pilgrim stuff, I'm fairly sure that none of my ancestors came to America that early. Then when I learned that the Pilgrims and the Native Americans weren't happy neighbors that had annual dinner parties (thank you, Howard Zinn), I really lost my taste for the traditional Thanksgiving story.

Thanksgiving was never a big thing at home when I was a kid, especially after my sister became a vegetarian. What that caused, though, was a wonderful tradition: my mom would make bean and cheese enchiladas. They were delicious! I told someone once that enchiladas were my family tradition for this holiday and they asked me—completely seriously—if I was Hispanic. I had to work very hard to stifle my laughter.

These days, I just appreciate the guaranteed day off and excuse to eat good food. Today Sunrise and I slept in. Then we went to McMenamins for their thanksgiving buffet, as is our tradition. We took a walk around downtown and shuffled through leaves and took pictures. Then we went down to the Old Mill and took more pictures. Then we decided to catch the matinee of Cloud Atlas. It was very good, although it took a little getting used to. Pretty much throughout the whole movie I had my hand over my mouth in suspense. It definitely didn't give me the Holiday Warm Fuzzies, but after the movie we took pictures by the giant Christmas tree at the Old Mill and that was nice. I love Christmas trees. But right! This is Thanksgiving! So yes, food food food.

Now for hot chocolate with marshmallows before we have to return to normal life.

I hope all of you (... all of my probably 3 readers XP ) had a nice day, whether celebrating the holiday or not. Feel free to share in the comments what you do for traditions. :)

More dreams

Last night I dreamed about cuddling with a cow.
There was a field full of cows, all lying down. The rancher was telling me which one was the nicest and encouraged me to go rest on her shoulder. I leaned against her and she was warm and bristly and her slow breathing was incredibly soothing.

I have always been afraid of cows... Maybe I'm not now?

Tasty tongue twister

Roger Federer fancies Ferrero Rocher
Roger Federer fancies Ferrero Rocher
Roger Federer fancies Ferrero Rocher


That's all you get for today. Good luck.

Down the rabbit hole...

It's ironic that I was just telling a client earlier today that, because I grew up in the valley, I miss the rain.
I suppose it's a little ironic because it started raining pretty much right after that and has yet to stop...
But it's really ironic because when I got off work and had to walk to the car in the rain, I was all whiny about it. :P
-------r---a---i---n-------
I was just thinking about that line in V For Vendetta, "God is in the rain." I was trying to imagine how somebody would feel that way. I guess in that context, from somebody held captive and tortured and such, feeling rain on your face would probably be pretty dang euphoric.
---------g---o---d---------
Then I thought about The DaVinci Code (because I just watched it) and how the Pagans "found God through sex". That one I can understand a bit more. There are all kinds of hormones and neurotransmitters released during sex, which I'm sure did (and still does for some people) feel like enlightenment, or a sense of connection to another realm, or what have you... Is that why it's sometimes referred to as "mind-blowing", I wonder?
Where else do people "find God"?
I feel like I find God a little in everything. I find God in music. I find God in good food. I find God in nature. I find God in a good healthy cry. I find God in beauty. I find God in dreams. I find God in animals. I find God in you. I find God in me.
---r--e--l--i--g--i--o--n---
I never felt like I found God in church. The fear of God, yes. God him/her/itself, no. It always seemed... off. Contrived, maybe? I loved church—the beautiful architecture and stained glass, the hymns, the rituals—but I didn't learn real spirituality there. What I was told to believe in church just never struck my heart as Truth. I went on a quest to find something I could fully believe in. I read various "holy books"—the Tao Te Ching, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Book of Mormon, and of course the Bible, which I was the most acquainted with. The funny thing was... they all basically said the same thing. The stories were different, sure, but the message was uniform. I decided to strip down my beliefs and labels and start over. I asked myself the huge questions: Do I have a soul? Is there really right and wrong? Is there a god or universal power? What happens when I die?
When I figured out what felt true to me, I tried to find where I fit. The only label that fit me was "Unitarian Universalist"... because all beliefs are welcome there.
Isn't that how it should be? I can't help that my heart didn't believe the Christian teachings; it couldn't. It just wasn't right for me. I recognize that it is right for some, though, so I never try to tell someone (of any belief) that they are wrong. I often think of it like a food allergy... I may love sushi, but if you're allergic to fish, you aren't going to love sushi no matter how delicious I think it is. And I should NOT shove it down your throat. I say, everyone finds God in their own way and we can all celebrate and share together.

These stream-of-consciousness musings brought to you by the letter: sleepy.
That's right.

P.S. Apparently there were bomb threats made simultaneously all over Oregon today. Huh.

Bad dream!

I had a dream last night that our apartment was infested with wolf spiders and they were maliciously trying to get us... They would hang out in the ceiling light covers and wait for us to walk under them so they could drop on us! We learned to look up and we could see their silhouette and try to get out of the way before they could get us... It was a constant battle against paranoia and an arachnid army.

Blech.

Fuuuuuuuuh

So... I had an appointment scheduled this morning. I walked to my office, which is a 20-30 minute walk. I got to the front door. I searched for my keys.
Then I searched some more.
Then I dumped out my entire purse.
Then I texted my client to let her know we'd have to reschedule because I couldn't get in the building. She said she'd come get me and take me home to get my keys.
She took me home and I ran upstairs and searched for my keys.
Then I searched some more.
Then I went back down to her car and told her we REALLY had to reschedule because I had NO idea where my keys were.

So that was fun.

Guess where my keys were?

I'd locked them inside my office.

Twenty-six and a half years of what?

I've always been a quiet person, at least when first getting to know someone. Usually, if I don't have something of worth to say, I just don't speak. (see picture at bottom of post)
I've also noticed over the last few years that I have grown so accustomed to people talking over or for me that I'm not good at speaking for myself when I do get the chance.

Today I was at dinner with two people who are both very dear to me.

They have both been places and done things.

It made me realize that I really haven't.

So I spent most of the dinner silent.
I must be a really boring person. :/

Great Closet Switchover

I finally tackled the Great Closet Switchover last night. So long, summer clothes! Hello sweaters and ugh—insulated pants...

I am also donating a big trash bag full of clothes. It feels good to get rid of stuff sometimes. I always want to keep stuff that I like, but for the last couple Switchovers I have implemented a policy: if I didn't wear it the last time it was out, I get rid of it instead of putting it out this time around. I get new clothing enough that I don't need to keep things that I got a decade ago.

Lost doggy!

Today on the walk to my office, I came across a border collie nestled in some bushes beside the sidewalk. As I got close, she began to trot away. I called out with a friendly tone, but she kept moving away from me. I knelt down and kept beckoning her. She eyed me suspiciously then continued walking in the opposite direction. I walked toward her some more and then knelt down again and patted my lap while calling to her. This time I guess she decided that I was ok, because she ran over to me and, after some sniffing, let me pet her. The poor thing was shivering and wasn't wearing a collar. I called Animal Control and waited with the doggy, playing fetch with a pine cone. She was so friendly and could jump so high! Animal Control showed up pretty quickly and the doggy looked like she wanted to run again. I started petting her vigorously to distract her while the AC guy got ready with a leash and collar. When he was ready, I threw the pine cone up again and when the doggy returned it to me I threw it over by the AC guy. She rushed over to him and was just as friendly as she'd been with me. He slipped the collar on her and she jumped into his truck.

I hope her family finds her soon and won't let her out unsupervised without a collar anymore.

Funny little things...

I have been all kinds of productive today! Just call me OnTheBall Martha. I made business phone calls, updated my schedule, and... I forget. Lots of stuff. That's pretty big, because I'm feeling all antisocial again and that makes me not want to do responsible adult stuff.

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Today on the bus, there was a slightly "off" vagrant... He reminded me of another slightly "off" vagrant that used to frequent the independent bookstore I worked at for a time in Seaside.
His name was Paul. He would come in and get hot coffee and try to sell us the watercolor paintings he made. He would sometimes talk to us, but more often he would talk to the voices in his head. One such time, he was muttering, "I just don't get it... I don't understand why... when you see a pretty woman... you can't just grab her. I don't get it..."
I decided to stay behind the counter until he left that day.

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Today at Massage Envy I had a client that I hadn't seen since last year. I guess the front desk staff told her that I was leaving, so she was asking me about it.
When I told her that I was getting divorced, she started asking me a bunch of questions about that. Finally she started asking questions that didn't apply and I had to tell her that we weren't legally married, although this is still a divorce because we are married in every way BUT legally.
When I told her that, she let out a huge sigh of relief and said, "Oh, well I feel MUCH better." And the questions stopped.

Well I'm glad YOU feel better about MY problems. :P

This just in!

So, remember how I said that reading and writing (for enjoyment) seemed to be helping more than the counseling?

Today my therapist said that I should keep writing, as it is "extremely therapeutic".

Go figure. ;)

So bully to this; I'm gonna work on my book now! I don't have anything interesting AND real to say here at the moment anyway. Might as well make up something interesting to say in my book. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Back on the wagon.

Two days without blogging. Oops.

I could blame it on my parents visiting, but that's probably not really it.

Anyway, I'm back on the wagon. Or, back in the saddle. Or something.

Losing it.

I can't believe I'm crying this much over a pub.

Somebody told me not long ago, "Remember, divorce is the death of a marriage, and you will grieve."
Tonight Sunrise and I went to Old Mill Brew Wërks, which has become "our place". Not long after arriving, I felt very depressed. Sunrise noticed, which made me start to cry. I tried to hide it, but the more he asked me what was wrong, the more I was unable to stop my tears.
Rudy's laugh—his awesomely genuine, goofy laugh—really did me in.
I'm not going to hear that anymore.
I'm not going to have someplace where everybody knows my name (cue "Cheers" theme song)—or if I get one eventually, they will know me alone. And that just feels sad.
Nobody is going to know what I like and make me special dishes and greet me warmly.
I am going to feel SO out of place.

Why am I doing this, again?

Oh, that's right, because I want to stop fucking things up.

Cheers to that.

RALPH SMASH

We went to see Wreck-It Ralph in 3D today. It was awesome, although another movie wasted on the kids of today. There was SO MUCH old video game stuff in there! w00t!

Once it's out on DVD, I have to watch it freeze-frame style to see what I missed in the theatre.

Also, I want to play Sugar Rush.

Also, and I know I say this every time I see a 3D movie and I will KEEP saying it every time, 3D is so freaking cool!!!
For anyone who may not know, I can't see in 3D in real life (can't see out of both eyes at the same time), but for some reason I can see it in the theatre. The first time I saw a 3D movie (Journey to the Center of the Earth), I cried. It was mind-blowing. So now, when a movie comes out in 3D, if I have any interest in it at all, I'm seeing that sucker in 3D.

Speaking of which, I bought IMAX 3D tickets today for The Hobbit!! FLAIL!!!!

Drunk on m&ms...

I finished reading that manuscript I was going over for a friend. It took much longer than I thought it would, but only because my counselor has been keeping me so busy with homework. It was an enjoyable read and I just have a few more notes to jot down... I love doing this stuff.

I'm starting to feel like reading and writing do more for my mental stability than the counseling does...

----------------

So I'm watching Broadway Melody of 1940...

Man kisses woman. Woman says, "Don't you EVER do that again!" Man says, "What, this?" and kisses her again.

GrumbleSigh.

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As I walked around today, I listened to Christmas polka. :)
Yes, you read that correctly.

Election blah blah

So! Tonight we find out just how crazy the USofA is...
So that's fun.

In other news, I get to hang out with friends tonight, w00t!

In other other news, I hate telling clients that I'm leaving. :(
I did have a funny reaction from one of today's clients though; I'd just handed him the post-massage cup of water and when I told him, he lifted it as if to toast and said nonchalantly, "Good for you. Bad for me." And that was that. I didn't know whether I should be relieved or disappointed. :P

Hasty post

Crap, almost midnight! Um, um...

I wrote yesterday and it felt good.
I had a couple drinks tonight and THAT felt good.
I am going to nom crazy amounts of peanut butter m&ms and that WILL feel good.
Then I will pass out and that will feel really REALLY good.

Where's the fire?

Today at work the fire alarm went off! That's nice and relaxing during a massage, right?

No fire trucks came, which was kinda disheartening since the fire station is literally right across the street. The alarm somehow got turned off and we went back to business as usual.

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In other news, I got two new sweaters today! I guess it's time for the Great Closet Switchover to see if I need any MORE sweaters for winter...

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I got an idea for a costume today.
I really REALLY REALLY want to make it happen. And take pictures. In black and white. With a white background.

*drool*

Christmas Wishes

I want to see twinkles and sparkles and snowflakes.

I want to smell fir trees and clove and peppermint.

I want to hear Nat and Ella and Bing.

I want to taste hot cocoa and Danish butter cookies and akvavit.

I want to feel crushed velvet and filbert nutshells and warm fuzzy blankets.


To me, the Christmas Experience feels like falling in love. When I see beautiful Christmas decorations or hear my favorite carols, I am instantly euphoric—so much so that I usually begin to cry.

I wish it wasn't so commercialized and I wish it was religion-neutral* and I wish it wasn't such a sad time for so many people.

The strange thing is... I don't know why I've always loved Christmas so much. To me, it's never been about the presents (of course, I don't refuse them if they are offered, but that goes for any time of year ;) ) and it's certainly never been about Baby Jesus and it's never really been about Santa Claus either (although I do have a soft spot for Santa Mouse).

One of my favorite Christmastime memories is of sneaking over to the tree when everyone else was asleep, turning on the twinkle-lights, finding my favorite ornament (it was shimmery light blue and had the words "O Come All Ye Faithful" on it), and looking at it while softly singing carols in the glow of the blinking, colored lights.


What part(s) of Christmas do you love?
Or, if you don't like Christmas, what makes YOU feel this happy?



*Yes, I realize it is named after Jesus Christ and that there are other, older names for it; Christmas is just the name I'm used to and it would feel weird to call it anything but.

Rock the Vote! part 3

I got a notice in the mail saying that because my signature on my ballot didn't match the one on my voter's registration card, my vote was invalid unless I re-registered.

So I re-registered. I guess it's nice to know they really ARE paying attention.

SCREAM

Yesterday I started out Halloween with an appointment at my private practice; afterward my friend Hachiko picked me up and helped me run some errands. She took me home and we worked on costumes and such for a while. Then she and Sunrise and I went to McMenamins theatre to see ParaNorman; it was cute. :)
We then had a late lunch at Noi (the new Thai place downtown), which was fantastic!
After lunch we went home to finalize costumes and apply makeup (just Hachiko and me, obviously :) )

Last night was the screaming contest, which was the Halloween event I was most excited about this year.

We showed up at Silver Moon around 7:45, I think. There wasn't much going on. Sunrise and I had beers and Hachi didn't end up having anything! The opening band for the Moon Mountain Ramblers was a bit grating, so we ended up leaving and going to McMenamins for hot cocktails and pumpkin brûlée. We went back to Silver Moon around 10:15 or so, and after a few songs from the MMR (who were much more enjoyable than the openers AND they did their own version of MJ's Thriller!! ) the screaming contest started. We were told to shoot for "terrifying and LOUD". The audience was told to judge us by screaming back for the screamer they liked the best.
As the first few screamers did their thing, I was thinking, "Oh, I've got this in the bag!" They were all doing "woohoo"s, like you would at a rock show or something. They were more like cheers than screams. I let mine rip, and it was pretty damn terrifying and loud. I was too short to use the microphone that everyone else was using, even. Hachiko said that the people around her all looked blown away. Which is why they forgot to scream back. All the screamers after me were, again, cheering rather than really screaming. When the band announced the winners, I was shocked and disappointed when they didn't call my name for 1st place... or 2nd... or 3rd!?
It really wasn't fair.
I put SO MUCH into that scream. Before I screamed, I thought about when I was raped.
I screamed so hard that I peed myself.* (Luckily the black pants I was wearing were made of a fabric that you can't tell when it's wet!!)
When the screaming contest was over, we left. Leaving Silver Moon, a car passed us on the street and let out a "woohoo". I responded with another REAL scream; I was frustrated and angry and sad. I just wanted to keep screaming. Anyway, someone else who was leaving Silver Moon was about half a block ahead of us and he turned around and said, "Will you stop being murdered?"
And there was my proof.
I'm the only one that really screamed, and I guess people were just freaked out by the sincerity of it.
Fuck 'em.

I should have won.


*I warned you that sometimes this blog would contain TMI!