Good riddance.

Life sure is crazy.

I've been going through changes. Moving to Portland was a huge step for me toward trying to make my life MY life. I've been doing new things and getting back to old things and generally trying to take better care of myself.

Things didn't go the way I knew they should have.

I was supposed to get out of the unhealthy relationship I was in.
I did, but it took way too long and it didn't happen the way it should have. I'm still kicking myself about it.

Looking back on that relationship, I'm scared. Note to self: if someone has to work that hard at convincing you that they aren't manipulating you, when it seems to you and everyone else that they are... they are.
I think it's pretty common knowledge that I was not perfect in that relationship. I did a lot of stupid things that hurt quite a few people.
But that's just it... it was stupid, not outright manipulative. I had crazy boundary issues, it turns out. And I would panic when I got caught making stupid mistakes and I would then lie to try to save my ass. These are stupid things that just cause more trouble.
But again... "stupid"... not manipulative to control situations and people and achieve a certain end, and certainly not mean.
I have had it wished on me that I be with someone like me. (To clarify, this is meant as a bad thing.) I think in that scenario I would be very understanding. I know how much it hurts to mess up and disappoint your partner and yourself. The difference is the heart behind it. I want to be better. I don't want to hurt people. I would recognize that in "someone like me" and try to help. What I can't handle is my partner being truly manipulative and spiteful and mean... things like calculated statements and actions meant to drive barbs into my most sensitive feelings... things like being "led from behind", causing me to make decisions that I had to say I came to on my own when really I didn't feel like I had any other choice... things like what I experienced over the last several years and just took... because I was the bad one and I deserved it.
I've gotten a bit better. I'm better with boundaries and I'm better with honesty and I'm better with thinking things through. I'm still not doing great at those things, but definitely better. Maybe I just needed better motivation. Maybe I needed different environment.

I have a lot of work to do still, and I'm still being stupid and hurting myself and others. I am grateful to see that I am changing a bit, though.

Moreover, I'm grateful to be able to start putting the last several years behind me. I think that's helping a lot.

So good riddance.
On to bigger and better things.
Hopefully I won't mess those up.
Hopefully I haven't already.

God, I'm scared.