Get out the time machine...

You know how sometimes people ask silly questions like "if you could go back to any point in your life but retain the knowledge you have now, what would you do"?

I was thinking about that tonight.

I would go back to 15. I started dating when I was 15, and that's when everything went wrong.

This probably won't make sense to people who don't know me very well, but I bet you can get the gist:

I would go back and tell 15 year old me that even though I'm allowed to date now, I should wait until I find a quality guy rather than dating the first guy that would have me. I would say, "Pay attention to your feelings. You hate Travis. Don't date him! Wait for Jonas. He's sweet."

Then when dating Jonas, I would tell myself to not break up with him, but to communicate about how I feel so maybe things can get better.

Then, if life still progressed the way it has, I would tell myself to stay the fuck away from Tino. From there, I'm sure life would be MUCH different.

Speaking of which, May 11th this year will be 10 years since Tino raped me. This really brings home to me that I was such a child at the time. It makes me sad. Of course, all rape is sad.
You know the good thing about this year, though? On May 11th, I will be in FREAKING DENMARK. With any luck, I won't even remember what day it is.

Life is horrible and beautiful. Both aspects make me cry.

Whisper Of The Heart

Tonight at writers' group I will receive feedback on my first submission to the group. I submitted a short story about being nervous about writers' group, and then as something extra, I submitted the first three chapters of my novel that I'm putting on hold to write the cooler one.

I'm freaking out and trying not to freak out.

The movie Whisper of the Heart acts as wonderful encouragement to me when I'm trying to write. I should just have it playing on repeat in my apartment.

"No one should expect perfection when they're first starting out."

[offers a geode] "Take a look."
"It looks like a rock."
"It's a special kind of rock called a geode. Hold it close to your eye and look inside." [holds a light behind the geode to illuminate the crystals]
"Wow, look at that..."
"Those crystals are called beryl; there are pieces of raw emeralds deep inside them."
"Aren't emeralds worth a lot of money?"
"Sure, but they need to be cut and polished first. When you first behind an artist, you are like that rock. You are in a raw, natural state, with hidden gems inside. You have to dig down deep and find the emeralds tucked away inside you. And that's just the beginning. Once you've found your gems, you have to polish them. It takes a lot of hard work. Oh, and here's the tricky part: look at the crack in the geode. You see that big green crystal there? You could spend years polishing that and it wouldn't be worth much at all. The smaller crystals are much more valuable. And the may be some even deeper inside that we can't see, which are even more precious."
"What if I look inside myself and I don't find any gems? What if I'm just a rock? ...I'm going to try anyway."

"I'm glad I pushed myself. I know myself better now."

It's time to admit it.

I've recently stopped writing my novel. I still plan to finish it; I'm just so much more excited about my other idea for a novel.

Also, as much as I hate this, I was looking over some questions to ask yourself about your writing. I did great with most of them, but when I asked myself, "Why should the reader care?" I couldn't come up with anything. Still can't.
I realized I'm being stubborn; I have the mentality of "I like it so everybody else should too!" I think this is just because I like the WAY I'm writing it. I think, to a point, all aspiring writers really like their writing style. We're told to get rid of our ego, but what's the joy in writing when you're supposed to think you aren't good enough?

Anyway, with my other novel that I have now started, I feel confident in my answers to all of those questions. So, I'll work on this, then come back to the other and see if there is any way to salvage it.