Get out the time machine...

You know how sometimes people ask silly questions like "if you could go back to any point in your life but retain the knowledge you have now, what would you do"?

I was thinking about that tonight.

I would go back to 15. I started dating when I was 15, and that's when everything went wrong.

This probably won't make sense to people who don't know me very well, but I bet you can get the gist:

I would go back and tell 15 year old me that even though I'm allowed to date now, I should wait until I find a quality guy rather than dating the first guy that would have me. I would say, "Pay attention to your feelings. You hate Travis. Don't date him! Wait for Jonas. He's sweet."

Then when dating Jonas, I would tell myself to not break up with him, but to communicate about how I feel so maybe things can get better.

Then, if life still progressed the way it has, I would tell myself to stay the fuck away from Tino. From there, I'm sure life would be MUCH different.

Speaking of which, May 11th this year will be 10 years since Tino raped me. This really brings home to me that I was such a child at the time. It makes me sad. Of course, all rape is sad.
You know the good thing about this year, though? On May 11th, I will be in FREAKING DENMARK. With any luck, I won't even remember what day it is.

Life is horrible and beautiful. Both aspects make me cry.

Superpowers and Handicaps

It's interesting how little things can affect you so much.

When I'm walking around listening to fun music on my ipod, I sing along and dance and I don't care who sees and hears. If I try to be that carefree without the false invisibility and security and ego boost my headphones pump into me, well... it's a different story.
I know it's just a mental thing, which means I coils conceivably get over it, which would feel like a superpower all on its own.

I've also been acutely aware lately of my actual physical handicap that I can't do anything about: my eyes. Just in case anyone doesn't know, I can only see out of one eye at a time, which means I don't have stereoscopic vision (ie: depth perception, I don't see the world in 3D,  I can't tell how far things are away from me).
What all that means is that the only way I can really KNOW something's place in space in relation to me is by touching it (which is called proprioception).
I notice problems from this the most at work, when I am draping/undraping an arm or leg. If the client decides to "help" by lifting their limb themselves, if they lift it out of my grasp, it's like I am suddenly blind. I have no clue where the limb is or where to put the sheet or anything. It's really frustrating. :/

What A Wonderful World

This morning my iPod alarm finally worked the way it was supposed to. For the first day in what will hopefully be a long string of days, I awoke at 6:45 to Louis Armstrong singing What A Wonderful World, followed by guided breathing meditation, followed by another round of What A Wonderful World.

It is a relaxing, positive way to start the day and I highly recommend it. I was more awake in the continuing morning, and felt better than usual throughout the day, with a few awesome bursts of creative inspiration. I may have even had less pain.

WTF, Snidely Whiplash?!

So, for some reason I was just thinking about what it would be like to be run over by a train. I think it started by my idly thinking about suicide. (No, I'm not suicidal, I just think about methods sometimes because I'm sick in the head I guess.) I was picturing lying down on the tracks, and would you put your head on a rail? Would the train slice right through you or would you die from being pushed/dragged along by the train? I imagined what it would look like to see a train coming right for your face. I imagined the mess. Then I remembered Dudley Do-Right from Rocky and Bullwinkle. The villain, Snidely Whiplash, is always compelled to tie women to train tracks. After picturing what would happen, I'm horrified by the thought of someone being murdered like that. And does Snidely like to wait and watch? What a sick bastard!

One of these days...

One of these days, I really have to unpack my books. It's just such a daunting task... exciting, but daunting. Maybe I'll do it after work tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah, "tomorrow"...

It's just, I'd rather write. Or read. Or write. XP
All of my time has been taken up with either writing or working or sleeping. I realized today at the end of my work day that I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast the previous day. Oops.

And now I'm temporarily too sleepy to finish this post. :/

Good news all around!

I think (not to jinx it) the ants are gone! I guess my minefield of bait did its job!
Which means... I can set up my minefield of pillows I've been wanting for years! I want my new apartment to have the supreme lazy comfort of lounging around like in ancient Rome... grapes included! Dressing in a sheet is allowed as long as it stays on. ;)

Also, I went dancing last night for the first time since moving. It was awesome. It was west coast swing, which is one of my favorites (the others being lindy hop and salsa). Sometimes "west coast people" are kinda (ok, very) snobby, but those were few and far between last night, it seemed.
My old dance teacher from 10 years ago was there, and she hasn't aged a day... same haircut even.
I saw one of the other people I danced with regularly in that same timeframe all those years ago, and he actually recognized me! His leading style is less forceful now, which I guess is good for most people, but I actually liked it better back then. :P
I also saw someone else who was in my old circle of dancers. I knew I might see him, and I was prepared. I had to be prepared, because back in Corvallis, when I was in high school and dancing my little legs off to fight suicidal urges, he molested me several times, starting shortly after I was raped. I didn't know that I was allowed to say no. I thought that this was how the adult world really worked -- that everyone would only ever want me for my body, and it was my responsibility to give it freely. That it was my role to play, my lot in life. Anyway, he ignored me and I ignored him, which I guess is good. If he had talked to me, I was all fired up and ready to say with a scowl on my face, "You will not speak to me or touch me ever again. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Things have been really strained and frustrating with Sunrise lately, but yesterday we had a very long conversation and came to many healthy understandings, and now things are better than better.

Also, (again, not to jinx it) I'm almost done with the flu. My chest congestion is almost gone, and I am almost back to my regular singing ability, and I had plenty of energy for dancing last night.

I'm going to eat breakfast now, and revel in the fact that I can eat, because that is not always possible for me.

Not very Buddhist of me...

I know I'm supposed to love and respect all sentient beings and such, but...

FUCK ANTS.

Tasty Face

My skincare routine has greatly improved since moving to Portland. I think not having to worry about taking up the bathroom makes quite a bit of difference. Also, my skincare routine makes my face smell like tomatoes and walnuts.

Today at work I was hallucinating. Just little things, like seeing extra hair on a client's arm, and fabric attached to the door, and if I stared at them long enough they would fade away. I'm sure it was a mix of cough syrup and lack of sleep and food and water, but it still makes me worry a bit.

Ok, falling asleep. NyQuil is potent stuff. G'night, all.

Beethoven's 5th

I have to do responsible stuff today! I have to do laundry, which means I have to go to the store and get detergent and dryer sheets. I also have to get ramen (part of your balanced breakfast), ibuprofen, tweezers, a mirror, mouthwash, olive oil, coconut oil, ice, toner, a plug for my bathtub so it can live up to its title, aaaaaand... that might be it. That's a lot. I'm going to have to take my little red wagon. Squee!

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I hope my new neighbor appreciates my taste in music, because I am LOVING playing music while showering. I've been playing my classical playlist. I think every shampoo rinse should be accompanied by an impressive crescendo. ;)

A welcome change...

I'm feeling really good and healthy today... Plenty of energy and a robust appetite. It's about damn time. :)

In other, somewhat related news, I'm trying to decide whether to make a big, intimate, important blog post. I know I said in my first post that this blog was to be my refreshingly unfiltered outlet, but I gotta say--this topic is really giving me pause.

On the lighter side, I have very much enjoyed some kitty time lately. :)

Big city lights

3am thoughts:

It never gets dark here. Ever since I moved, I've been waking up around now and had trouble getting back to sleep. For some reason, every time, I always check the clock first, then look out the window.  And every time, I am surprised to see an eerie orange sky. The first time, it took me a bit to realize it was from all the lights illuminating the atmosphere. Every time since, I immediately am aware of that; so why am I still surprised? I guess it's just one more thing to get used to.
Silly small town girl.

Hello Portland

Some pictures from my new town.

In other news, tired. Stressed. Grateful for work.

Welp, Portland.

So... Here I am.

Two interviews down, one more today. Then maybe a callback from yesterday's?

Grey sky out there today; what did I expect?

Ain't it da truth.

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

I've seen that credited to a few different people, so who knows who actually said it. Whoever it was, they were pretty sharp.

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Last night we rented a uhaul to move Sunrise's stuff to his new place and to a storage unit. We got a late start, so it was cold and icy.
Doing it earlier wouldn't have mattered though; the tires on the uhaul still would have sucked and we still would have gotten stuck without any traction at the bottom of a steep culdesac and we still would have had to get the uhaul towed.
Yeah. That was fun.

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Today was the first day I would have normally been working. Instead, I spent all day packing (with a little break I probably shouldn't have taken to get a massage a friend owed me). I mainly focused on dishes today. They are almost all packed now, and I just need to figure out a good way to pack pots & pans. Or rather, something to pack them IN. We are woefully short on moving boxes. Sunrise picked up a few from the comic shop today, but he said the majority of what they had were too small for much of anything... :/
So tomorrow we try to get some free packing boxes/materials from craigslist. Meanwhile, HOLY CRAP TWO DAYS
Ahem. I meant to say... Meanwhile, we have to pick up the truck for Monday's move tomorrow because of the stupid holiday. Whose genius idea was it to move on New Year's Eve? Sunrise wanted me to wait until spring, but nooooo... Oh well. Stuck with it now.
It will all be ok.
Because it has to be.

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Also, just to top it off, packing has been covering my hands in dust which turns into grime and drives me crazy. So I've been washing my hands a bajillion times a day (seriously, I counted—bajillion). The thing about washing your hands so much is it sucks the moisture out of your skin like a frickin' Dementor for your hands. I have a rash all over the dorsal side of my hands and the anterior side of my wrists, extending up my forearms. I'm afraid to put lotion on at this point because I know it'll burn with the fiery, barbed tongue of a devilcat. Whine whine whine. Harden up, Martha.

Chrishmash cheer

Christmas Eve! Yay!

Sunrise and I worked today. We also did a bit of packing, he took some stuff over to his new place, and I washed a couple sinkloads of dishes.

After all that, we sat down to actually have some Christmas Eve celebration-type thingies. (Which obviously included wine.)

We watched Christmas Eve on Sesame Street, and now we're watching Muppet Christmas Carol. The lights on the tree are lit, we're having Yule Log Cake, and the last door on the chocolate-filled advent calendar has been opened. Tomorrow is Christmas, and it will be lovely.

Well, no apocalypse.

...I'm not really surprised. I would have been really very upset if the world did end yesterday. This Christmas is extremely important to me and I wouldn't miss it for the world. Um, heh...
Also, NEXT TWO HOBBIT MOVIES HOLY CRAP. Can't miss those either.
And I haven't had enough ice cream! I haven't traveled the world enough! I need to finish writing at least one book!

So... thanks for being wrong, Mayans.
Oh, and thanks for spiced chocolate as well!

The cool thing about packing is...

... you find a bunch of cool stuff!
Post with pictures of said stuff coming soon. -ish.

Preparations

I've been pretty busy with getting ready to move. You'd think I'd have more done. Really gotta pick up some free craigslist moving boxes...

Also, people keep giving me wine as going-away gifts. I don't mind. ;)

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Christmas is almost here... I had to tell Sunrise that I have to be the one to check the mail today and tomorrow so he doesn't cheat and see where I got his presents from. Endless teasing ensued.

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Tattoo or not to tattoo? That is the question. For several months from now.

There are so many things I would like to spend money on, especially with this whole having my own apartment thing. I can do without some of them for a while, but eventually, I'd like to have:
a Dirt Devil
a coat stand
a rice cooker
a rolling pin
foamy hair curlers
TONS of pillows
a bearded dragon whom I will name Hagrid
...
And probably some other stuff I can't think of right now. I'll just refer to this list whenever I have saved enough for my trip to Denmark and I have some extra money again.

Cross your fingers...

I did another follow-up call to a clinic I applied to... It's looking promising. :)

Oh hell.

I have really fallen off the wagon lately... double oops. At this point, I'm not going to promise daily posts anymore. I will try, but I really have to get cracking on packing.

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Today has been a day of indulgence. I think that's allowed, considering.

On a completely unrelated note (heh), how many things can I soak in liquor and/or light on fire before consuming?

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We decorated the Christmas tree the other day... Yes, one of those days that I didn't write a post on here...

This is the first real Christmas tree we've ever had. Once we used a tiny fake tree my mom got for my doll when I was a kid. It was nice, but you know... just not the same. I love the smell of a Christmas tree. We were hoping to get a Balsam Fir, but apparently nobody in town had any, so we went with a Noble Fir. It's a little shorter than me, and admittedly I was a little disappointed about that at first. I have grown to love it though. I think I was just comparing it to Christmases past, when the tree towered over me when I was a kid. I do prefer trees bigger than I am, but I can get the same effect by sitting by the tree instead of standing. And it does look lovely with the lights and beads and ornaments.

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The other day while cleaning up, I found a book that I don't even remember having. It is astonishingly fitting to this part of my journey though: How To See Yourself As You Really Are by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. "In How To See Yourself As You Really Are, [HHDL] shows readers how to recognize and dispel misguided notions of self and embrace the world from a more realistic—and loving—perspective. Step-by-step exercises help readers shatter their false assumptions and ideas and see the world as it actually exists." That is pretty much my main goal of life right now. I know this book will not fix everything for me, but hopefully it will make my journey faster and easier. I am so tired of my learned misconceptions of the world and myself causing me, and people I love, pain.

Wish me luck.