Friday, August 15, 2014
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Sometimes, especially when I'm having a rough time, I miss church.
No, not quite. I miss the idea of church. I miss what I always expected church to be.
I was raised Christian, and it's still ingrained in me to turn to God when I need help.
Now if only it would actually help. It's always been--at best--ALMOST enough to help. Of course, then I'm left with a nagging hole that feels not just empty like before, but like a vacuum. It's like God and the church and the fellowship I was supposed to find there was all a tease and it feels like a cruel trick.
I'm so happy for those that ARE fulfilled by God and the church and all that can come with it; it sounds amazing. I got a taste of that at the Unitarian Universalist fellowship in Corvallis; you could believe anything you want and be whatever kind of person you were and live whatever lifestyle you love and they would not just accept it, but celebrate it. There, "God" was in the love we gave to each other.
And then I moved. Ten years later, here I am, searching for peace of heart and unconditional love and acceptance and coming up short. I feel like I should be able to find it in myself, but...
Ah, well. That's what kitties are for, right?
Edit: Oops, the lyrics in Let It Be are really "Mother Mary comes to me". I like my version better. ;P
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
It's been so nice to spend time at Mormor's house before leaving for Denmark. It is comfort. It is love. It is home.
On my way to Israel, we had a stop at the Copenhagen airport. I felt the pull of my family's country. It felt like home, and I didn't want to continue to the next flight.
This time I get to leave the airport and go home for the first time.
We leave for the airport in an hour.
But first thing's first... Time to watch General Hospital. ;)
Monday, April 22, 2013
But seriously, yo. It was really cool. Watching kickass girls from MY town beat kickass girls from somewhere that isn't MY town, I felt the closest thing to patriotism I've ever experienced.
It was the Axles of Annihilation (of the Rose City Rollers) vs the Wasatch Bone Crushers, and we won 263 to 101!
photo from http://regularman.smugmug.com/
At first, I was pretty confused, because everything happens really fast and there's a lot going on. Luckily, Fish is a derby ref, so he patiently explained everything to me! I caught on, and by the end I mostly followed it. I had the important parts down, anyway. ;)
|#601: Slay Miserables - you will find her portrait in the encyclopedia under "fierce"!|
photo from http://www.flickr.com/photos/funfrank/
|#4 (from the other guys): Squid Vicious - adorable and FAST!|
photo from http://regularman.smugmug.com/
|#808: Yoga Nabi Sari - also adorable and FAST!|
photo from http://regularman.smugmug.com/
After the bout, I was crazy, pumped, and giggling like a maniac.
Derby, you've got a new fan.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I wish my sleeping schedule would normalize. I bet that would help.
It probably doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping in my bed.
This is where I slept last night:
|I know you're jealous...|
So! I got a very exciting piece of mail today!
I got my first letter from Diego, the child in Guatemala that I am sponsoring.
"Hello Dear Miss Wiebenson,
Thank you very much for choosing me as your sponsored child. I hope this letter finds you healthy along your family. I want to thank you for all you have done for my support. Your support is so useful for me. I have overcome many economic situations to live happy. Let me tell you that I help at home. I close with so much love.
Diego Felix Gonzalez Suar"
Or at least that's what the translators say it says. ;)
Also, he drew me a picture!
The next 8 years are going to be awesome.
I'm going to work on my reply tomorrow. :)
Friday, April 12, 2013
"Do your taxes, Martha!"
"No! I don't wanna!"
You see, I'm experiencing this right now. Also this. It's a bad combination. I am managing to do the very basics to not get fired/evicted/kicked out of writers' group, but that's pretty much it. I am sure I'll get my taxes done on time because my fear of the consequences of not doing so is I'm sure greater than the dangerous emotional cocktail I have going on that's making me fail at life right now.
Oh god, I smell smoke.
And apparently I'm paranoid.
Back to it, Martha!
Shut up, they'll think you're crazy!
Seriously though, I smell smoke.
It's probably not the apartments burning down.
I don't know how much my current emotional state is due to brain chemistry or how much it is just the self-inflicted trials of life getting to me.
There are people who love me and care about me and I know everybody fucks up sometimes, but it doesn't seem to matter. I'll get self-abusive mentally and physically, which just makes me feel crazier and like nobody should love me or care about me because I'm just too much goddamn trouble. I feel like I should just go away. I don't mean suicide, necessarily. Mostly just social suicide. Stop talking to people on the internet or in person. Just go to work to make money to live and go home. If you don't interact with people, you can't hurt them and they can't hurt you.
Just barely exist until you don't.
I was crossing a street... yesterday? day before? I don't know anymore... and I didn't look first. It was no big deal; I knew that street almost never had traffic. But still I scolded myself for a moment until I realized that I kind of didn't care right then that I didn't die. I knew it was selfish and stupid and that I should care about the pain it would cause other people if I died; you know--those people I mentioned who love me and care about me and DO care whether or not I get hit by cars.
I still smell smoke.
I don't even know what I'm getting at, here. I've already thought several times about just erasing all of this, but now that I don't have someone dictating what I should or shouldn't say or feel, I'm going to try to get back to this being unfiltered expression because that's what this whole thing is supposed to be for.
It's really ironic; I have a mental block about keeping a journal, because I have never had a private journal remain private. Someone always feels like they have the fucking right to look in it for whatever reason. No thoughts to myfuckingself. Can't keep a journal but I'm fine making a public blog. Whatever.
I hate self righteousness.
I need a hug but I don't feel like I deserve one.
I don't smell smoke anymore. I guess someone put the fire out.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I've been going through changes. Moving to Portland was a huge step for me toward trying to make my life MY life. I've been doing new things and getting back to old things and generally trying to take better care of myself.
Things didn't go the way I knew they should have.
I was supposed to get out of the unhealthy relationship I was in.
I did, but it took way too long and it didn't happen the way it should have. I'm still kicking myself about it.
Looking back on that relationship, I'm scared. Note to self: if someone has to work that hard at convincing you that they aren't manipulating you, when it seems to you and everyone else that they are... they are.
I think it's pretty common knowledge that I was not perfect in that relationship. I did a lot of stupid things that hurt quite a few people.
But that's just it... it was stupid, not outright manipulative. I had crazy boundary issues, it turns out. And I would panic when I got caught making stupid mistakes and I would then lie to try to save my ass. These are stupid things that just cause more trouble.
But again... "stupid"... not manipulative to control situations and people and achieve a certain end, and certainly not mean.
I have had it wished on me that I be with someone like me. (To clarify, this is meant as a bad thing.) I think in that scenario I would be very understanding. I know how much it hurts to mess up and disappoint your partner and yourself. The difference is the heart behind it. I want to be better. I don't want to hurt people. I would recognize that in "someone like me" and try to help. What I can't handle is my partner being truly manipulative and spiteful and mean... things like calculated statements and actions meant to drive barbs into my most sensitive feelings... things like being "led from behind", causing me to make decisions that I had to say I came to on my own when really I didn't feel like I had any other choice... things like what I experienced over the last several years and just took... because I was the bad one and I deserved it.
I've gotten a bit better. I'm better with boundaries and I'm better with honesty and I'm better with thinking things through. I'm still not doing great at those things, but definitely better. Maybe I just needed better motivation. Maybe I needed different environment.
I have a lot of work to do still, and I'm still being stupid and hurting myself and others. I am grateful to see that I am changing a bit, though.
Moreover, I'm grateful to be able to start putting the last several years behind me. I think that's helping a lot.
So good riddance.
On to bigger and better things.
Hopefully I won't mess those up.
Hopefully I haven't already.
God, I'm scared.